So, I "Stalked" Some Old Friends....

I don't know what made me do it really, but whatever the reason I chose to poke around and look at all the people I've alienated over the past year, two years, however long. Maybe because I've been playing Tetris Attack, and one of the characters in it is a penguin and made me think of someone. Regardless, the point is irrelevant. I did it, and that is that.

They all seem to be doing great without me, which is terrific. I wish I could move on instead of being stuck in the past, as well.

"I really don't ever want to hear from you again, you're just another person..." This is a line that drove one friendship beyond the point of reconciliation, should she have ever chose to speak with me again. I'll admit it was a mistake saying that, I truly do.

I'm glad that some of these friendships came to an end; I wish none of them ended how they did, however.

But when it comes down to things, I don't just burn bridges; I nuke 'em.

The most recent ending is 100% my fault; I can see that now, with startling clarity, once the shrouds of my own self deception have been brushed away. I don't think there's any chance for reconciliation there and I don't want to talk about it, really. Perhaps its for the best now that it's done. I ask for forgiveness of that situation, and all I can do now is move on.

In other situations though... I can see how my desire to rid myself of everything to do with failed friendships at home have had negative reprecussions in other friendships. One brought out the inner ass inside me, the other brought about an unnecessary level of "delusional paranoia."

It's true though, I think. I really only talk to two friends from home anymore. A third, at times, but we're more like "online friends" now rather than anything else, I feel. I still talk to other people from home, when I go back, but its more of an 'in passing' type thing. We've more or less just drifted away, and now its nothing more than a bit of small talk. I've drifted away from far too many people. I feel a little bad about pissing off Dillon, but even in this clarity I feel that both sides are at fault with that. I think if so much time had not passed, I'd be able to fix this one. Who knows, perhaps I still can.

There's no way I can undo what was done, but I'm thinking of a way to seek forgiveness. It's what I have to do to move on; not just with this, but with everything in general. We'll see once I find a way.

But moving on. I was quite an asshole; I still am. Perhaps I did have a lot of "delusional paranoia;" I think this is debatable, at least a small bit. I saved all the things I said in these last two alienations. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, saying some of what I did. I suppose I wanted to provoke some sort of thought in them, through angry remarks, because nothing else seemed to work.

Violence doesn't work, as I posted in my last blog. Active resistance works wonders, however. Isn't anger and angry remarks just another form of violence, in the end?

"I really don't ever want to hear from you again, you're just another person and now little more than a shitty memory."

"...stop being such a whiny bitch...."

Just two things I said amidst a message filled with anger after someone decided to "let go" of our friendship. Two things that marked me as such a terrible hypocrite. If one looks back at my previous entries, however.... I questioned doing the exact same thing to someone else; and eventually, I did "let go" of Bonnie.

That first line I quoted? Bonnie almost said the same thing to me word for word. I guess now I know how upsetting it is, when someone does that. I apologized to her months later, after realizing what an awful decision this was, but I think too much damage was done. We still talk from time to time, but nothing like before.

It's true though, I think; when someone just "lets go" of your friendship, they do become just another person to you. I still look back at the funny things said and shared, the conversations held and the acceptance of everything, and appreciate that.

It's hard for me to be a good person, and I'm not one, I know that. But I'm trying to be something more. Disregarding all thoughts of faith for a moment, to be a good person, "forgiveness" is necessary.

Even if I never talk to that person again, I forgive you for "letting go" of our friendship. I can only hope you'll forgive me for all the awful things I said. I wouldn't be appalled by your presence, if you ever chose to get in touch with me. Wounds can heal and leave behind nothing but scars, just as relationships can be healed and leave behind nothing but bad memories.

At school I think I've damaged friendships too, though. I definitely don't see a lot of people from last year too much anymore. I'm struggling with a thought. I think, in the beginning, joining PDT was a moment of ambition; I'm fairly certain, at least, that choosing this path is what caused me to become more distant from a few people. It's not ambition anymore, I know, and I feel its the right place for me... but I should have at least done it properly instead of just "jumping ship," so to speak. I should have at least weighed the decision more to come to this conclusion I have already arrived at. Doing so may have removed any feelings of betrayal I may have inadvertently caused. I am sorry for this, and hope that distance can be closed up.

Right now I feel all of these different things, I see so many choices I can make to solve things, make things better.... But I know I've only got this boost from meds. I don't want this effect to ever end; I don't want to go back to what I was. Maybe in time I can be this without the help of meds.. but it'll take time. Just put up with me a little bit longer, I'm trying hard to change myself for the better. And from there.....? The sky's the limit. Maybe I'll follow my own advice and try to leave my mark on this world with what time I've got left. Big ambitions. I hope I can follow through.

...wow. this turned out to be a lot longer than I expected it to. Sorry about that. It's amazing what viewing just a few profiles led me to think of.

I want to end by saying, however, if any of those people I alienated have "stalked" me and read this, I'm sorry for all the things I'm responsible for. Leave me a message sometime, and perhaps we can at least reconcile to the point where we can tolerate each other's voice.

Medicated Meditations

So I've been on three different medications for about a week now; it has been a very large blessing. I was able to finish all of my homework for the semester because of this, on Sunday morning, but focusing on the medication is a topic for another day. Quite simply, these things have relieved a pressure in my head that I never knew I felt until recently. I have been able to concentrate, though I feared it would come at a price; the ability to think well. I'm debating whether or not this is true, as I have had little reason to think deeply as of late.

I've been playing Tetris Attack a lot lately. At least, on the surface, it appears I've only been doing that. But I've also been dwelling on two different rather entertaining thoughts. I'll discuss the first one here.

I've been thinking about this for a while, and had a brief discussion that sparked this larger thought a few days ago with an associate. "One person can't change the world," she said. And on the surface, this appears to be true. I get frustrated when people say this, or feel so helpless, and refuse to do anything about it. I feel and do the same things, so I grow frustrated with myself before you scream, "hypocrite," though I still keep these thoughts in mind.

I, however, dare to argue her statement.

We are born with high hopes and a sense that we can do anything, given enough effort. Over time this feeling is gradually burned out of us as we learn the world is a cold, uncaring place.

But why does the world have to be this way? Despite what we currently feel, we do have the power to change the world. It goes against all logic, perhaps, but it is possible.

History has provided us with many examples, both for good and ill. Hitler, Stalin, Gandhi, MLK Jr., Alexander the Great, Napoleon, Gengis Khan, and Jesus (even if you are not a Christian/religious, the man and his teachings have been historically proven, even if texts do not mention the Resurrection) are just a few to name.

These are all figures of power, true, but many had humble beginnings. Hitler was the child of a middle class family and served in World War I before becoming a revolutionary and later the tyrant history knows him as.

The story of Jesus should be fairly well known, so I don't have to get into that.

Joseph Stalin came from a lower class family with an abusive father; he started with literally nothing and yet grew powerful enough to dominate the USSR and spark the Cold War with the United States.

Gandhi was a mediocre student, and yet became the face of civil disobedience in India in the 1940's.

It doesn't matter what type of family you were born into, what society or class, or how well your schooling goes, as demonstrated by these men who have all affected the world greatly.

Anyone else can affect the world around them as well; by reading this, I have affected your life at the very least in some meager fashion; if you walk away with the idea, and share it with others, then I have affected that many more people through you.

Every action we do, no matter how seemingly insignificant, creates a chain reaction that affects the world around us; a simple smile and brighten one's day, just as a sour comment can turn someone's mood. The person smiled at or has their mood altered in turns affects the people around him or her, which in turn affects all of the people that they know...

By following the so called "Golden Rule," the act of treating others how we want to be treated, we can change the world for the better. One may argue about those people who are seemingly, to be blunt, jerks, but they only affect you if you let them affect you.

Turn the other cheek to those kinds; by saying this, I do not mean become a pacifist. This is a mistake I have made. Actively, passively resist them. The idea of Gandhi's "satya graha" has been proven to work. Why should it not work on an individual basis?

"Be the change you want to see in the world." This is a famous quote by Gandhi, and is very true despite what the majority of people may think.

Free yourself from the thoughts of the majority, actively resist them, and remain determined to change. All too often, people give up or doubt consumes them.

All it takes to change the world is a thought or idea, as well as enough hope and determination to succeed. If you use the excuse of something holding you back, you only have yourself to blame along with your lack of determination. Overcome the roadblocks that hinder you from changing how you want things to be.

Be the change you want to see in the world. All it takes... is you.