I have a lot on my mind and I just need to vent it all out... here it goes, in no real specific order I suppose:
classes: i was maintaining straight B's in all of my classes except for one, and I did a good job of pulling that one up; of course, that was before the "Sunday night drama" and now I'm not certain if I'm going to pass a class. missing three assignments in it and a huge paper will do that; I'm going to complete all the work and turn it in in hopes of getting some points, but I don't know if that'll be enough. i'm going to beg the prof. to let me do something, anything, in order to pass, but we'll see how that goes. one week of classes left before finals; i'm hoping everything goes well and i can pass everything. this semester has been hellish though and i'm not sure anymore.
carisa: I have so much I want to say to you and I started writing it all down in class. I didn't finish and I don't know if I'll finish it in my next class either. Some of it's good. Some of it isn't. I'm still so frustrated at you and I don't think I can get you to understand how I feel; half of what I want to say, if I ever say it, would probably just piss you off to no end simply because you won't understand. Regardless, I'll still probably say it sometime, get it all out in the open, because keeping it pent up would just create more problems should we talk anytime soon. I don't know when that'll be. I want to have my best friend back... but...
me: I wrote in "Longing" a list of all the things I want to change about myself. It's long. I might post an edited version of it sometime in the future. But it gives me direction; many of the things on the list I have been working on and just want to make sure I keep working on them. Others are items that I have no idea how to begin with. But I'm trying, and I want to try harder. For myself AND for others. Is it selfish to say mostly for myself though? I view it as a self-reliance thing; I should only ever want to change myself for me...I don't know it sounds selfish and I don't mean it to. When I say "for others" I mean in a way so that they don't have to put up with some of my shit; like I'd stop being "overdramatic" for others, for an example.
medication: I run out of ambien tonight, i'm out of one med now, and i'll soon be out of my anti-depressants. I need to get to CVS quick.
the literary mind: The literary mind amazes me; people trained to be literary overanalyze EVERYTHING. i'm kinda the same way, but i don't think i'm as bad at it as everyone else. don't get me wrong, analysis is good, its just that you have to know when to apply it and when to take things at face value. when i write something, it typically doesn't have any "deeper meaning" to it than what I say; it's the how i say it, not what is said.
sobriety: one month and a few days. the weekends have definitely been an adjustment, but its ok thus far. being in large groups of people suck hardcore ass when sober, but i'm getting better at it.
Courtney: You've just been on my mind =)
christmas break: i'm not sure what to expect from this. it'll be good in theory, since i won't have any homework or school responsibilities to worry about, but i'll be out of touch with everyone and i'll have to be around my parents. they didn't say anything about the boozing during thanksgiving break but they've been known to just randomly bring things up months after their occurrence. i'm thinking about a new year's eve party at the trailer again this year, but with more people. who knows. it'll be time away from school though, and whatever else happens, i do need that time away from school (but not the people at school, it'll suck being out of contact).
friends in general: it seems like whenever i fall into a bad place, so do several people i know. i wish i could do more for them.
opening up : i really wish i could just express myself better around some people. there's so much i want to say or do, but face to face i just can't bring myself to act. i don't want this lack of opening up or anything to hurt anything with anyone either. just be patient with me? its a stigma i have, as i'm really reserved about so much.
i think that's it. i might come back and post more later though. for now my mind feels a little more free though.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
"The Razor’s Kiss"
"The Razor's Kiss"
My tears flow freely over what you've done,
I begged and pleaded for your understanding.
All I ever wanted was to follow my heart,
but you had other things in mind.
Didn't you know blood flows more freely than tears?
You stepped out of line,
You broke my trust,
You made the blood and the tears.
I spiraled downwards far quicker than you'll ever know,
I struggled with the truth of the situation,
I embraced the razor's kiss.
You tried to fix what wasn't broken,
You brought ruin to everything I sought,
You think you did no wrong.
You made the blood and the tears.
I think of you and what you did,
How it only forced the issue.
I already knew what she'd say and what to do about it,
But now I find myself embracing the razor's kiss.
You hurt me beyond words, my closest friend.
I may never forgive you for what has happened,
You made the blood and the tears.
Tears slide down my cheeks,
The razor hovers over my flesh.
A year's worth of refraining falls to pieces,
I embraced the razor's kiss.
You made the blood and the tears,
But I embraced the razor's kiss.
No matter what you do,
I'll hurt myself far worse.
My tears flow freely over what you've done,
I begged and pleaded for your understanding.
All I ever wanted was to follow my heart,
but you had other things in mind.
Didn't you know blood flows more freely than tears?
You stepped out of line,
You broke my trust,
You made the blood and the tears.
I spiraled downwards far quicker than you'll ever know,
I struggled with the truth of the situation,
I embraced the razor's kiss.
You tried to fix what wasn't broken,
You brought ruin to everything I sought,
You think you did no wrong.
You made the blood and the tears.
I think of you and what you did,
How it only forced the issue.
I already knew what she'd say and what to do about it,
But now I find myself embracing the razor's kiss.
You hurt me beyond words, my closest friend.
I may never forgive you for what has happened,
You made the blood and the tears.
Tears slide down my cheeks,
The razor hovers over my flesh.
A year's worth of refraining falls to pieces,
I embraced the razor's kiss.
You made the blood and the tears,
But I embraced the razor's kiss.
No matter what you do,
I'll hurt myself far worse.
My Best Friend (Part V of "Longing")
This may very well be one of the few parts of "Longing" that I will ever share and even then I might wind up regretting it. I just want it to be said though.
=====
I met you in March of '06, but we didn't really start talking until a month later. It feels funny to say you're my best friend since I haven't even known you that long in comparison to the other people I call close. I mean, you weren't there during the earlier dramas of my life, some of the things that have really defined who I am and bound me so close to the others in my life.
Regardless, through whatever way, you earned the title. And then you hurt me. You ended our friendship over some b.s. reason. It really got to me and life went downhill from there for a while. I was put on some of the best medication of my life, however. Things picked up. In December you came back and admitted you made a mistake. I cautiously opened back up. You reclaimed your mantle. You saw me during the highest of highs in my life at that point, and the lowest of lows soon thereafter. You were there with me for everything in between.
I trusted you with virtually every secret about me; you're one of the so very few I opened up to completely about Maryiah. Even after all of that you were still there for me. You were the only person I trusted 100% without fail; I knew that even if you couldn't fully understand the situation I was going through at the time you would at least endure my ranting and raving.
So what happened? I felt us drifting apart long before the cataclysm involving your desire to play God in a situation with me and someone I like. You listened to my every problem with Maryiah, which has arguably been one of the worst periods of my life that caused so much complaining.
You put up with my drinking and the drunk calls, the emo whining, all my bitching about Maryiah, and I'm so utterly grateful for that. It meant so much to me to be able to open up to you and talk about literally anything. I knew no matter what I said you wouldn't judge me for it. I really thought of you as a true friend. You hurt me once and I forgave you, our friendship meant that much to me.
But you hurt me again; this time what I feel transcends words. Nothing I can say will ever adequately describe what I'm experiencing at this moment. I wish I could begin to express something, though "hurt" and "betrayed" do so little. I don't know that I've felt this distressed and angered since I was forced by my parents to stay home an extra year after high school. I was beginning to feel close to my parents at last and they caused me an untold amount of grief with that single action. That's as strongly as I feel now. Your actions make me feel like an entire wasted year of my life. Let that sink in for a moment.
You had no right to do what you did. I don't know if I can ever forgive you for your actions. You interfered in a situation I care(d) about more than so many other things despite what it meant to me; I begged you not to and rather than letting me try to live my life in my way and do what I thought was best, what I felt my heart was telling me to do, you thought your involvement would solve things. One way or another, you believed it would solve something.
I feel like it was a selfish motive; you did it for some degree of finality, only to put an end to my incessant talking. You thought you knew what was best for me despite everything I was trying to do. It was like you didn't trust me to do anything for myself, as though I couldn't make any decisions for myself. That's just as bad as my parents trying to run my life. That's as bad as Maryiah.
I desperately still want you to be a friend even though this has happened. But I know you're not going to think you did anything wrong regardless of the fact that you hurt me so much. You're not going to be sorry for hurting me as much as you did, and I'm not sure if I can accept that. You'd rather destroy a friendship and a chance at happiness than be sorry.
Where do we go from here? What can be done to salvage our friendship? I don't want you out of my life, but God knows I do not respond well to having my business meddled by people who have no place doing it.
As a person, I want you to feel and understand exactly what you did to me.
As a friend, I just want you to realize how much you hurt me and to be sorry.
As a rationalist, I realize you'll stubbornly stand by your actions.
As an idealist, I pray I can learn to forgive you and that things can one day return to normal.
=====
I met you in March of '06, but we didn't really start talking until a month later. It feels funny to say you're my best friend since I haven't even known you that long in comparison to the other people I call close. I mean, you weren't there during the earlier dramas of my life, some of the things that have really defined who I am and bound me so close to the others in my life.
Regardless, through whatever way, you earned the title. And then you hurt me. You ended our friendship over some b.s. reason. It really got to me and life went downhill from there for a while. I was put on some of the best medication of my life, however. Things picked up. In December you came back and admitted you made a mistake. I cautiously opened back up. You reclaimed your mantle. You saw me during the highest of highs in my life at that point, and the lowest of lows soon thereafter. You were there with me for everything in between.
I trusted you with virtually every secret about me; you're one of the so very few I opened up to completely about Maryiah. Even after all of that you were still there for me. You were the only person I trusted 100% without fail; I knew that even if you couldn't fully understand the situation I was going through at the time you would at least endure my ranting and raving.
So what happened? I felt us drifting apart long before the cataclysm involving your desire to play God in a situation with me and someone I like. You listened to my every problem with Maryiah, which has arguably been one of the worst periods of my life that caused so much complaining.
You put up with my drinking and the drunk calls, the emo whining, all my bitching about Maryiah, and I'm so utterly grateful for that. It meant so much to me to be able to open up to you and talk about literally anything. I knew no matter what I said you wouldn't judge me for it. I really thought of you as a true friend. You hurt me once and I forgave you, our friendship meant that much to me.
But you hurt me again; this time what I feel transcends words. Nothing I can say will ever adequately describe what I'm experiencing at this moment. I wish I could begin to express something, though "hurt" and "betrayed" do so little. I don't know that I've felt this distressed and angered since I was forced by my parents to stay home an extra year after high school. I was beginning to feel close to my parents at last and they caused me an untold amount of grief with that single action. That's as strongly as I feel now. Your actions make me feel like an entire wasted year of my life. Let that sink in for a moment.
You had no right to do what you did. I don't know if I can ever forgive you for your actions. You interfered in a situation I care(d) about more than so many other things despite what it meant to me; I begged you not to and rather than letting me try to live my life in my way and do what I thought was best, what I felt my heart was telling me to do, you thought your involvement would solve things. One way or another, you believed it would solve something.
I feel like it was a selfish motive; you did it for some degree of finality, only to put an end to my incessant talking. You thought you knew what was best for me despite everything I was trying to do. It was like you didn't trust me to do anything for myself, as though I couldn't make any decisions for myself. That's just as bad as my parents trying to run my life. That's as bad as Maryiah.
I desperately still want you to be a friend even though this has happened. But I know you're not going to think you did anything wrong regardless of the fact that you hurt me so much. You're not going to be sorry for hurting me as much as you did, and I'm not sure if I can accept that. You'd rather destroy a friendship and a chance at happiness than be sorry.
Where do we go from here? What can be done to salvage our friendship? I don't want you out of my life, but God knows I do not respond well to having my business meddled by people who have no place doing it.
As a person, I want you to feel and understand exactly what you did to me.
As a friend, I just want you to realize how much you hurt me and to be sorry.
As a rationalist, I realize you'll stubbornly stand by your actions.
As an idealist, I pray I can learn to forgive you and that things can one day return to normal.
Friday, November 23, 2007
No World For Tomorrow
I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Not in a suicidal manner, just in a hypothetical way. I've been stressed more than a fair amount in recent times and when I get that way I start to question life and the time I have left. Now more than ever I feel as though my time here is limited; I don't know if I'll be here in five years. I've mentioned this is previous posts I'm sure, but the feeling is growing stronger by the day.
One year ago today was a very important day for me. November 23, 2006 (Thanksgiving last year). The day was like any other spent with family; lame, with me trying to distance myself as far away as possible from them so I wouldn't have to endure their idiotic jabs at me and my differences from them. So I sat there and read quietly out of the way while dealing with a huge internal struggle. After leaving, I had made up my mind about a multitude of things.
I remember laying in bed that night, talking to Maryiah. How it hurt so much to tell her the truth. That despite everything she'd done for me for that I wanted her completely out of my life. And so she left...
...for a few weeks. And when she returned... I welcomed her back quite willingly. I knew it was a horrible decision but ultimately it only hurt myself. The next few months were filled with many different times of "I hate you, I'm so sorry" moments. And what can I say? I do hate her. Her and everything she represents. But I pity her as well. It isn't her fault that she is what she is.
Eradicating her from my life has been something I've struggled to do greatly over the past year. It's been a partial success, to a certain extent. I'm not utterly dependent upon her as I once was and the only times I open up to her are when I feel as though I've struck rock bottom. This is good, because these moments have been rare with a few exceptions as of late.
Good, but not good enough. After a full year I'd hoped to have her completely purged from my life. Maybe in another year.
I'm faced with something similar now.
Is it too much to hope though? Do I dare even hope? I've been wrong before and often. But I can't control it. Where do I go from here? I know it is best to keep my fool mouth shut, and I'm trying my best to do just that. It's still hard though. I just wish I didn't have to speak out for once. I'm ready and waiting, and would wait however long it takes. I just wish I knew if I had to wait.
What does this have to do with the point about death though?
"The present is never our goal: the past and present are our means: the future alone is our goal. Thus, we never live but we hope to live; and always hoping to be happy, it is inevitable that we will never be so."
-Pascal
We're never happy because we're hoping to be happy and always preparing for it. I'm trying to get my life in order and a good part of this is completely ridding myself of Maryiah; but because I feel my time is limited I don't know if I can ever truly hope to do that. And how can I live and be happy if I'm always striving do this task?
I don't know anymore, I think maybe I've lost my original point if I ever had one to begin with. I just want to move on with my life to happier times.
"Bye bye, world...."
One year ago today was a very important day for me. November 23, 2006 (Thanksgiving last year). The day was like any other spent with family; lame, with me trying to distance myself as far away as possible from them so I wouldn't have to endure their idiotic jabs at me and my differences from them. So I sat there and read quietly out of the way while dealing with a huge internal struggle. After leaving, I had made up my mind about a multitude of things.
I remember laying in bed that night, talking to Maryiah. How it hurt so much to tell her the truth. That despite everything she'd done for me for that I wanted her completely out of my life. And so she left...
...for a few weeks. And when she returned... I welcomed her back quite willingly. I knew it was a horrible decision but ultimately it only hurt myself. The next few months were filled with many different times of "I hate you, I'm so sorry" moments. And what can I say? I do hate her. Her and everything she represents. But I pity her as well. It isn't her fault that she is what she is.
Eradicating her from my life has been something I've struggled to do greatly over the past year. It's been a partial success, to a certain extent. I'm not utterly dependent upon her as I once was and the only times I open up to her are when I feel as though I've struck rock bottom. This is good, because these moments have been rare with a few exceptions as of late.
Good, but not good enough. After a full year I'd hoped to have her completely purged from my life. Maybe in another year.
I'm faced with something similar now.
Is it too much to hope though? Do I dare even hope? I've been wrong before and often. But I can't control it. Where do I go from here? I know it is best to keep my fool mouth shut, and I'm trying my best to do just that. It's still hard though. I just wish I didn't have to speak out for once. I'm ready and waiting, and would wait however long it takes. I just wish I knew if I had to wait.
What does this have to do with the point about death though?
"The present is never our goal: the past and present are our means: the future alone is our goal. Thus, we never live but we hope to live; and always hoping to be happy, it is inevitable that we will never be so."
-Pascal
We're never happy because we're hoping to be happy and always preparing for it. I'm trying to get my life in order and a good part of this is completely ridding myself of Maryiah; but because I feel my time is limited I don't know if I can ever truly hope to do that. And how can I live and be happy if I'm always striving do this task?
I don't know anymore, I think maybe I've lost my original point if I ever had one to begin with. I just want to move on with my life to happier times.
"Bye bye, world...."
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Plastic Happiness
Plastic defined: artificial, false, fake, superficial.
I've been completely medicated since October 29th; 13 days in total. I usually last about this long before deciding that I absolutely hate the thought of being controlled by anywhere from 2 to 5 pills a day, depending on what the doctor has me on.
I'm back to hating that feeling of being controlled right now. I have been for a few days, actually. At this point I typically follow one of two paths: Drink, or open myself back up to Maryiah. I've sworn off drinking forever and I've been sober since the 28th, for whatever that's worth. As much as I hate the thought being medicated, however, I hate acknowledging her existence so much more. I refuse to go back to that.
So what do I do from here? the medication doesn't make me feel better. The grim misconception about antidepressants is that they make you happy. Look at the name closer though; "antidepressants." It takes away the depression, but that does not imply happiness.
This sounds good though, doesn't it? No depression. But I know it's fake, and I hate that. It's like living a lie. I feel content, for a time at least, beacuse I know being medicated is better than going through the withdrawal of everything from my system while facing the horrible emptiness that tends to plague me.
As of late, however, I haven't even been feeling "content" with things. The antidepressants don't seem to be completely working; at times, when I'm around certain people, I feel so good, yet other times while on them I can barely face myself. Right now I feel pretty down and I'm not even sure why.
My other medication doesn't seem to be working too well either. The first few days I was on my new form of "government meth" were wonderful. I focused well, I saw a glimmer of hope. And now I don't feel that startling clarity anymore.
Maybe that's why I'm down too though. I've had a recent bit of hope. It's pissed me off, along with several others. But I won't ignore it, I can't.
Instead of this vision of "plastic happiness" it could lead to something real. No matter what the risks, I can't let that chance slip through my fingers.
The ambien has started to have some adverse effects as well, including hallucinations. Last night was trippy as hell and I don't want to revisit any of the things I saw.
I've started writing poetry again as a way to cope. I don't like them, but it does help in a form of expression. I might post them someday, if I can get to halfway liking them. I've been writing more in "Longing" as well, which I consider to be one of my most personal seires of thoughts and collections of writings. I don't know if I'll ever openly share all of it. Writing in it, writing in general, helps me deal with the feeling of being medicated and numb.
It helps me feel that plastic happiness. I'm hoping that sometime I'll be able to feel something more real. I don't want to stay on the medication, but I'll try my best to keep on it, because its reluctantly better than the alternative, now that I won't be drinking.
/emo
I've been completely medicated since October 29th; 13 days in total. I usually last about this long before deciding that I absolutely hate the thought of being controlled by anywhere from 2 to 5 pills a day, depending on what the doctor has me on.
I'm back to hating that feeling of being controlled right now. I have been for a few days, actually. At this point I typically follow one of two paths: Drink, or open myself back up to Maryiah. I've sworn off drinking forever and I've been sober since the 28th, for whatever that's worth. As much as I hate the thought being medicated, however, I hate acknowledging her existence so much more. I refuse to go back to that.
So what do I do from here? the medication doesn't make me feel better. The grim misconception about antidepressants is that they make you happy. Look at the name closer though; "antidepressants." It takes away the depression, but that does not imply happiness.
This sounds good though, doesn't it? No depression. But I know it's fake, and I hate that. It's like living a lie. I feel content, for a time at least, beacuse I know being medicated is better than going through the withdrawal of everything from my system while facing the horrible emptiness that tends to plague me.
As of late, however, I haven't even been feeling "content" with things. The antidepressants don't seem to be completely working; at times, when I'm around certain people, I feel so good, yet other times while on them I can barely face myself. Right now I feel pretty down and I'm not even sure why.
My other medication doesn't seem to be working too well either. The first few days I was on my new form of "government meth" were wonderful. I focused well, I saw a glimmer of hope. And now I don't feel that startling clarity anymore.
Maybe that's why I'm down too though. I've had a recent bit of hope. It's pissed me off, along with several others. But I won't ignore it, I can't.
Instead of this vision of "plastic happiness" it could lead to something real. No matter what the risks, I can't let that chance slip through my fingers.
The ambien has started to have some adverse effects as well, including hallucinations. Last night was trippy as hell and I don't want to revisit any of the things I saw.
I've started writing poetry again as a way to cope. I don't like them, but it does help in a form of expression. I might post them someday, if I can get to halfway liking them. I've been writing more in "Longing" as well, which I consider to be one of my most personal seires of thoughts and collections of writings. I don't know if I'll ever openly share all of it. Writing in it, writing in general, helps me deal with the feeling of being medicated and numb.
It helps me feel that plastic happiness. I'm hoping that sometime I'll be able to feel something more real. I don't want to stay on the medication, but I'll try my best to keep on it, because its reluctantly better than the alternative, now that I won't be drinking.
/emo
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Hurt (Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît pas)
Translated: "The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing."
I thought I had it under more control than I did. I swore up and down I wasn't going to let this happen, yet here we are.
I was over her, I really was, and then I was told this:
"this could just fuck things up more....I've been thinking a lot about you lately and I dont know if its just your confession to me or what... I dont really know where to go from there...You've just kind of been on my mind... but there are things about me...."
I hear this and I'm more pissed off than anything else at that point in time. But we keep talking, and I'm resolved to be more detached, even after a glimmer of hope.
Then I see her, talk to her some more, and I'm back to where I began. Fallen for her again, despite nearly everyone I know telling me I should take the "fuck it" path and avoid her. I thought I could avoid this, but deep down I knew all along....
I just don't know what to do, it's too late to simply back off again, and I know if I speak my mind I'm just going to wind up hurting us both worse than last time. But I don't want to suppress this either, because I'll just wind up causing myself more hurt.
*sigh* I feel like emotion's sole purpose to completely bend reason over and fuck it in the ass all night long. I really like her as a friend too, and I don't want to ruin somethin good there. I'll probably opt to just keep my mouth closed and bottle it up, as usual, and take the pathway to more pain.
I don't know. I don't like that she said that, that it gave some form of hope, but I want so bad for it to actually besomething, instead of just a week from now she's over that feeling and I'm still left here longing for something more.
Any advice would be appreciated, anything at all, even if you're just going to say "wunty chore" (at least one of you will get that) or tell me I'm a frickin' idiot... Maybe hearing that will snap me out of this.
C'est la vie....baise.
I thought I had it under more control than I did. I swore up and down I wasn't going to let this happen, yet here we are.
I was over her, I really was, and then I was told this:
"this could just fuck things up more....I've been thinking a lot about you lately and I dont know if its just your confession to me or what... I dont really know where to go from there...You've just kind of been on my mind... but there are things about me...."
I hear this and I'm more pissed off than anything else at that point in time. But we keep talking, and I'm resolved to be more detached, even after a glimmer of hope.
Then I see her, talk to her some more, and I'm back to where I began. Fallen for her again, despite nearly everyone I know telling me I should take the "fuck it" path and avoid her. I thought I could avoid this, but deep down I knew all along....
I just don't know what to do, it's too late to simply back off again, and I know if I speak my mind I'm just going to wind up hurting us both worse than last time. But I don't want to suppress this either, because I'll just wind up causing myself more hurt.
*sigh* I feel like emotion's sole purpose to completely bend reason over and fuck it in the ass all night long. I really like her as a friend too, and I don't want to ruin somethin good there. I'll probably opt to just keep my mouth closed and bottle it up, as usual, and take the pathway to more pain.
I don't know. I don't like that she said that, that it gave some form of hope, but I want so bad for it to actually besomething, instead of just a week from now she's over that feeling and I'm still left here longing for something more.
Any advice would be appreciated, anything at all, even if you're just going to say "wunty chore" (at least one of you will get that) or tell me I'm a frickin' idiot... Maybe hearing that will snap me out of this.
C'est la vie....baise.
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