One thing I've noticed, and it doesn't matter where I am, but I always seem to be the butt of every joke in my peer groups. I'm a pacifist; I respect other people and try to live by the golden rule. So then why the fuck am I always treated like shit by every damn person around me? Just because I don't defend myself when people are assholes I'm called spineless; and when I ask people to quit I'm only whining. Well fuck you all, seriously. Friends don't treat eaech other like shit time and time again. I don't care if i have to dissassociate myself from every dick I currently talk to if that's what it takes. I don't want to be an ass to other people regardless of how they've acted towards me, but I have enough going on in my life without having to deal with everyone treating me like shit. I go back to where my parents live, my peers repeatedly act like jerks, I come here to school and most people act like complete assholes towards me when I get together. Because I don't stand up for myself, choose to turn the other cheek towards everyone's bullshit, that gives them the right to continue acting this way?! Fuck you all. I've isolated myself before and I have no problem doing it again. It just pisses me off, people claim to be friends and then keep doing this? Are they really friends or am I just being used as a tool of constant ridicule?
Why does fun have to entail being a jerk to others all of the time? Why does everyone appear so insensitive to this? Everyone realizes I have my own problems, but hey, keep treating me poorly, that's just FINE (heavy sarcasm)! People see the cutmarks on my arm and instead of asking what the hell caused me to cut in the first place I'm chastisted, slapped across the face, and told to "cut that shit out." And then I become the group object of ridicule once more. Maybe I wouldn't cut if everyone around me treated me as i treated them. I'm trying not to use medication as a crutch to make me happy but it's damn hard when everyone is a dick. I've noticed an increase in anger both mentally and physically. I'm going back on the damn pills, I hate feeling angry at everything and am very afraid I'm going to snap on some undeserving person. Sadly, I see myself becoming an asshole because of how everyone is treating me. I know I'm not innocent of anything by far, but damn, I when I know I don't deserve this. And people don't deserve to be snapped at. I was talking to Maryiah a few nights ago and went off on her; I said several things I shouldn't have and made her cry. That's a wonderful feeling, believe me.
Life is just a large set of chain reactions. That's going to be a future blog, actually, if I ever get around to writing something other than rants. But our actions, good and ill, big or small, affect the world around us in varying degrees. This is true, and everyone must see that! Then why the hell doe we continue bringing others down?! Why not make a positive change? And this is a sub-rant in itself, which I will stop.
I'm not trying to complain about this; I'm just saying there's a difference between joking and being assholes, a line that's been crossed too many times without the guilty parties even realizing it at times, perhaps. I just continue to turn the other cheek, laugh it off, and then bottle it up. I'm tired of this, because I have my own shit in life to deal with and if my "friends" are just going to complicate things in a negative way (and yes, I realize that may sound redundant, but in my mind there's a difference and if you want to know then ask) then I simply don't need that in my life. I know I'm going to snap again, probably at Maryiah once more, which is unfortunate because she doesn't deserve any of this. I turn to her most of all which in itself is one of those negative complications.
So my shift here at work is almost complete, which is good. I'm going to go back to my room and cut several times now. And those of you out there, you know who you are and that this whole rant has been about you.... Well, realize that you caused those cuts. And I hope you're actually friends, can see that I'm not just bitching about things that aren't there, and realize that this shit needs to stop.
Only God Knows Why
Ive been sittin here tryin to find myself
I get behind myself, I need to rewind myself
Lookin for the payback, listen for the playback
They say that every man bleeds just like me
I feel like number one, yet Im last in line
I watch my youngest son and it helps to pass the time
I take to many pills...it helps to ease the pain
I made a couple dollar bills, still I feel the same
Everybody knows my name, say it way out loud
A lotta folks fuck with me, its hard to hang out in crowds
I guess thats the price you pay to be some big shot like I am
Outstretched hands and one night stands, still I cant find love
And when your walls come tumblin down, I will always be around
...yea anyone and now...
And when your walls come tumblin down, I will always be around
People dont know about the things I say or do
They dont understand about the shit that Ive been through
Its been so long since Ive been home
Ive been gone Ive been gone for way to long
Maybe I forgot all the things Id miss
Oh somehow I know theres more to life then this
I said it too many times and I still stand firm
You get what you put in, and people get what deserve
Still I aint seen mine no I aint seen mine
Ive been givin just aint been gettin Ive been walkin back that line
So I think ill keep on walkin with my head held high
Ill keep movin on and only God knows why
Only god..
Only god..
Only God knows why
Only God knows...why why why why only God knows why
Take it to the devil, hey wont you take me to the river
Hey hey hey hey hey....
Jimmy:
ReplyDeleteYeah I play and joke around with you but you know it's playing. Don't give me this cutting is because of me bullshit either cause you don't have to and you can stop it. I'm not gonna take a fucking guilt trip from you, just not gonna happen. If you'd stop laughing it off and be a man about it and actually tell someone what's wrong with you then maybe we'd stop. I've asked you many times what has been bothering you and you just choose not to tell me. Do whatever you think is necessary, I know I've personally tried to talk to you abou it and you gave me nothing. Can't help you or even really care if you won't let me. Sorry if I'm being a dick but I'm tired of things being taken wrong. Either deal with it or not you gotta make the choice.
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Me (rebuttal)
Indeed, and as I said in my rant there's a line between joking and taking things too far. I'm not trying to guilt you, oh no, don't think that at all. It's just a simple truth.
"Stop laughing it off and be a man....." Hmm, goes back to what I said about "being called spineless" somewhere up there in the main body of the blog. So just because I choose to pacifistic about things, I'm not a man? That's a load of bullshit and you're simply looking for ways to circumvent the blame to me. Maybe you should be a man and realize what you're doing.
On cutting: Yeah, I "don't have to and can stop." That must be why I try so hard not to give into the impulse and wind up doing it regardless. You find me a new way to fucking release and I'll gladly do it.
Hmm, and I do fucking believe I tell people to stop. It kinda goes like this: "Stop it" or "Cut it out..." or "Don't do that...." ....Yeah, that kinda sounds like me telling people to stop, now doesn't it? Maybe you're just caught up in the moment of having fun, not realizing what the hell you're doing. I don't know and personally I don't give a fuck. I just know I have liable retorts to every point you attempt to make, and that I am right. And that statement will add to the anger between us now.
Why do I choose not to tell you?
1. You always ask when we're around other people, and I don't want "other people" knowing about my shit. It isn't their business.
2. From past experience, when I do say, your questions and replies sound more like obligatory "friend responses" and nothing more. Me: "Well, I know I need to do let go of Maryiah, but knowing it and doing it are two separate things entirely." *long pause* You: "I dunno man."
Tired of things being taken wrong? What the hell does that even mean? Why should I have to deal with everyone's shit when I don't deserve to be treated that way in the first place?! Rebuttle?
Hatchett
ReplyDeleteHey Sassy. It's Hatchett.
I've known you for a little while now, and I don't feel that I've ever really messed with you. If I have, I apologize sincerely.
But you can't just blame your problems on other people. It may be there fault, but at the end of the day fairness doesn't always count. You have to look after your own, stand up for yourself. If you're annoyed that someone is messing with you, say "Seriously, guys. This bothers me. Stop." I know these guys are jackasses, but they are your friends. Or were your friends. But they wouldn't do anything that would seriously hurt you.
Pacifist or no, standing up for yourself isn't necessarily fighting. It's thinking enough of yourself to not put up with shit. One day someone might mess with you, and they won't be your friend, and they may be out to hurt you. You have to be able to stand up and not take it. If it gets violent, you have to roll with it. But it doesn't mean you're looking for a fight.
Steve, I like ya. You're an OK guy. But you have to be honest with other people. You have to be honest with yourself. You can't blame your problems on other people, or else you'll constantly put off solving your problems until you drown in them.
And Jimmy--that was a bit sharp of you. I know you were tired, but there is an audible anger in your words. I know you care and I hope we can pull this back together. One thing this campus DOESN'T need is more bullshit drama...
Oh, and P.S. Sassy--Take this from personal experience. Do NOT burn your bridges with other people. THis is a small ass campus. You will see them every day. And while you may be angry now, you'll probably feel like shit once you calm down.
That's my two cents. Peace.
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Joey:
About that whole thing, if anyone deserves to be snapped at it is me, I am prolly a bigger part of everything than I realize. I know that I am an asshole and I can be a dick, but I am trying my best to stop being that way. Because I have seen what it has done to you, and now that I have read it it makes it so much. I feel so very guilt for the pain that I have caused, and wish that I could take it all away, but I cannot change the person that I was, but I can change the person that I will be, and I will need a little help from you. We used to be really great friends, and I really enjoyed it, without realizing that I had hurt u at all, and that I was only tearing us all apart, and I have said many a thing that I know I that I have crossed the line about. And yes there are times that I didnt know that I had insulted or offended u that bad, but the last time that I was over and the time before that, I tried to be as courteous as possible, and I even know that there is room for improvement in that also. I know that u dont like yelling at people or any of that, but whenever you feel the need to yell at anyone, just send me a nice lengthy messege if you feel comfortable in doing that, cause I deserved to be bitched at, and if you do have all of this anger you need to get it out, and I have taken a lot of things out on you so it is your turn, cause I dont want you to hurt the people around as I have hurt you Well I have to go cause class is almost over, if I have time, I shall continue this Cause I know that I have not talked enough on this subject, and I have a lot more explaining and other things to do At least I am willing to admit what I have done, and ask for forgivness, even tho I dont deserve it.
- Joe