So I haven't posted in a long time due to everything I type being an emo rant or whatnot and the subsequent lack of comments led me to the conclusion that no one really gives a damn. And I still retain that belief to some degree. But then, why should anyone care? It's not like I've done anything to make them care. I don't think that is going to change either.
And I'm OK with that. I know I've drifted away from high school friends/ppl in the Greensburg area. I miss it a little, but it happens. I feel myself drifting away from college friends already though, which has me somewhat unsettled. I don't even know what happened there, yet I sense the rift.
I'm questioning everything I've done in the past few years. What use has anything been? I feel so worthless, useless, out of place, that I wonder if this life is even worth living. What do I have to show for myself?
1. My book -- pretty much the highlight of my life until coming to college. What good does that do if it can't get published? It's just another waste of my life.
2. I'm in college -- I don't see myself staying here though. I don't see this going anywhere. Except to thousands of dollars in debt.
3. I'm helping to found a fraternity -- I feel more like a pawn at times. What if I'm just a number, just a guy that plays halo? I certainly don't see myself as benefical. I question if this is even going to work. I want it to, but then... do I? How much do I really know about this? I initially went PDT over Chi because I felt God was leading me this way. That's the reasoning in its entirety.
And now? Now, I've drifted in faith so far that I don't even know how I feel about the concept of "religion" anymore. I am struggling with doubts. Everything in Christianity seems too much like pre-destination. If God knows everything, what is the point in prayer? He knows what you will ask for, knows if he will give it to you... then he already knows whether you are going to heaven or hell. So that would be part of God's plan. And if he already knows where you are going, that can't change. Pre-destination.
I seem to be struggling with every aspect of life and don't know how to take control of the reins again. Why is anything worth doing? We are not supposed to be materialistic, that leads to chaining us to this mortal world... but what has the spiritual side done? I have faith; but its like staring into the dark. You hear people talk about how God has made them happy, etc. etc., so why do I continue to be "tested?" What more do I need to let go of?
I feel like I fail at everything, no matter how hard I try. How can I possibly succeed at anything when all I do, everything, is so trivial in comparison to the deeds of others?
I used to have a feeling. I knew I was going to do something for this world. Knew that I would change it, whether that change be for good or ill. And now?
And now... there is nothing. An empty shell, haunted by regrets, by people, and by the inability to stand anymore.
What point is there in getting up when all I do is waste my life? Wouldn't it be better to simply remove myself from everything around me, take away that negative influence, and let the world go on without me?
I once wanted greatness. Now I simply want to feel alive.
"Like Heroin" by Maryiah F.
Alabaster dreams that haunt my mind
White-washed walls that confine me
Creeping faster than
The crawling in my skin
its like heroin[e]
Midnight vultures smoking cigarettes
Menthol kisses of regret
I cant shake this addiction
To my immoral condition
its like heroin[e]
Life without you aint the same
I still feel you in my veins
Like Im naked in the rain
with nowhere to go
And its driving me insane
that youll never know
How I drown in [your] apathy
Empty shell of ignorance
No track marks of evidence
Humanity deserts me
Im no longer deserving
its like heroin[e]
how i drown in apathy
Kurtis:
ReplyDeleteSassy ur not just a # to me ur a friend. I know I give u a hard time but thats what I do. I wish I could say some magic words and help u out man but i can't. and you can't fail at everything hell each day you are alive u beat ur priveus record of consecutive days lived and thats a start.
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Jimmy:
I haven't been there for you like I should and I apologize. You know though that I'm gonna be there for you. Use me whenever you need.
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Logan:
i would rather talk about this in person. but ill comment. something i have kinda figured out is that nothing matters, nothing is real at all. unless you make it that way. no one, no God is going to do something for you. you have to do it. as far as the predestination thing goes, that has bothered people for centuries. If you believe your God gave you the power to choose, then choose. Do you really think that your God would want you to be spending your every moment thinking about what God wants or to see his creation enjoy its very brief existence on earth. and another thing, dont think you are alone in your problems sassy. that is one of the biggest problems with people, they focus on what is wrong with them and fail to see that other people have it just as bad if not worse. think about that sassy, you are a white male christian going to a private school in america. you are the king of the world as far as some other countries are concerned. but like i said, i would rather talk about this in person. im off to enviro class to see how soon we will all kill ourselves with pollution anyway.
Dustin:
ReplyDeleteHey Steve,
I guess I'll make a comment going down your list, since thats the best way I can think of to address everything.
1.) Have you tried getting it published yet? I know it takes atleast 6 months after you submit something before they ever get around to reading it. I didn't think you had ever tried sending it in yet. I know in the past whenever I asked you always said it wasn't read yet... but you have to try at some point, if you never try there is no chance. IF you have sent it in disregard that... but still remember you have had something published. Thats a good start in itself, Most people don't become famous authors overnight... other than maybe the lady who wrote Harry Potter.
2.) If you aren't in college what do you see yourself doing? I'll admit I currently see college as a waste right now, but I do want to get a job a little better than working at GECOM. Someone once said "College is what you make of it." This is only the start of your second year, so you probably haven't even really gotten a taste of your major yet, and if you don't think you'll like it there is still plenty of time to change. I know I still have no idea what I'm going to do with my major which worries me, but I think College is a time of great uncertainity that most people go through.
3.) I don't know much about frats so I can't say anything about that. As for your religion thing, I think college is a time where everyone has to question their faith. I know I'm in a history class right now where we are reading a book called "The Birth of Purgatory" and it has made me question some things that I had never thought of before, and I don't know if I like thinking that way, but Its something that will probably be for the better in the long run.
Anyway I want to restate what Logan said in the comment above, there are people in this world who have it much worse than you do, you need to focus on the good things in your life, not the bad! Whatever is bothering you, you can overcome. You say, "How can I possibly succeed at anything when all I do, everything, is so trivial in comparison to the deeds of others?" Why set your standards so high, you are only 20 you have a lot of life to live. If you had accomplished everything you wanted to do in life by now what would you do for the next 60 years? It seems to me that you let yourself dwell on all the little bad things and you let them eat away at you so that you miss the good things.
As a famous song goes
You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium
Liable to walk upon the scene
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My rebuttal to Dustin:
i don't see myself doing ANYTHING with my life, which is why college seems like a waste, why "working" seems like a waste. i don't want to just "get by" i want to be remembered. i want a legacy.
i'd like to say that yes, people do have it much worse than i do. which complicates my situation, because i understand this, and then feel guilty and shitty that i feel this way. i'm setting my standards high because i honestly don't think i'm going to live too long-- maybe a decade more at most. i want to do something with my life so that i'm remembered. i've tried being positive- fuck that, it doesn't work.
i doubt you'll ever come back here and read this reply, but whatever. there's so much more that you don't understand, and i'm never going to say it, i think. you can't understand the situation until you understand me... and you'll never be able to. and that part may be my fault. kudos to you, for at least making an attempt at something.
Dustin's rebuttal:
ReplyDeleteWhy do you think you only have a decade left to live? Unless there is some medical reason I don't know about the odds of you only making it past 30 are very high.
Most people who have a legacy don't start out with that as their goal it just happens. In away you already have started a small legacy, look at all the people you have met, I know when I'm an old man and I think back to my days in high school you will certainly come to mind. However, I know you want a much larger legacy than that. So I guess the way to start on that goal is to dedicate yourself to something in the publics eye (Unfortunaly writing doesn't allow you to be noticed easily and if you stick to your limit of 10 years you are going to have to catch a big break, of course some writers legacys are born after their death like Dickerson.) I'd say start by trying to build a legacy at college or in the town of Franklin itself, but the first thing you need is a cause and I don't know what that cause is for you right now.
I understand the concern that once you die know one will remember you, I was actually thinking about that last week one day.
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Kris:
I know im the not best with advice. i try to talk to u if u need help. with u at collage that makes it hard also. if u need someone to talk to then try to get ahold of me. ill give u my phone number. and for the thing about God knowing everything that is goin to happen. i acctually disagree with that. i think he created us to choose waht we do and hope we make the right decisions and if we dont then we suffer the conciquences. i may be wrong i really dont no but that is my thoght and feeling on it. but life must go on. u have a while to live. try to make the best out of it.
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Tammy:
Hey man...you know that I am always here for you. We've helped each other through some tough times. I will be here for you whenever needed in the future too. Everything will work out and be ok. TRUST. Good things come to those who wait.