let’s whisper, things into your ears

Let's cover the basics:

1.) My actions during the past month will no doubt send me to hell. I'll deal with it.

2.) I want nothing to do with Victoria. Getting involved with her was a mistake.

3.) Contrary to popular belief, I am not dating Tess, nor do either of us have any intention of that. We're just friends. A lot of people have asked me about this, even my parents. There's nothing between the two of us.

4.) Even though I've started drinking again, it's not gotten out of hand. In fact, I really feel no desire to drink much / at all. Surprise.

5.) Finals week: Glorious failure, all across the board. Can't say I didn't see it coming, though.

6.) I've got a job at the parks dept. here in Franklin.

7.) After going home for a brief time, I realized I just couldn't be there anymore. I'm now living in the PDT house for the summer.


Those are little things to get everybody that hasn't talked to me in a while caught up with my life (exciting, right?). Now with that said, let's move on.

Life has been uneventful since things died down. After a little internal struggle, I gave my 'yellow submarine' wristband to Courtney. she didn't really want it. It had a lot of meaning to me and I wanted to pass it on to someone that influenced my life so greatly (I am aware that we only knew each other less than a year, but if you want me to spell out all the ways i've been influenced, hit me up, whatever. I'm fairly sure she's in the top 5 influences on my life.)

But yeah, I passed that on to her, she said something along the lines of "i don't think we should talk during the summer, and try to reconcile our differences during the fall."

I don't like that, but I told her I respected it and have (and will continue to do so).

However, I wish her and I could talk again. I hope she means it, that reconciliation will come in the fall, because lies and false hopes are just shitty and I'd rather have a clean, quick break instead of false hopes that are dragged out. I miss her as a friend. And with what I'm about to say here in a few paragraphs, you'll see just why I want as many close friends as possible in my life.

Like I said, life has been uneventful. Other than a few things that Victoria keeps doing, i"ve been drama free. And that is amazing. I finally have room to breathe. Oh, up above I forgot to mention that I haven't been on medication of any kind for quite some time now, and I'm still feeling quite happy, content, and alive. My world hasn't crumbled, and I feel like I've overcome some of my greatest problems at long last.


...Why then, would I say this: I'm thinking about opening myself back up to Maryiah. Everyone should know well enough that her name is equal with drama, problems in my life, and general self-loathing.

Why, after having this room to breathe, escaping my personal hells, am I contemplating such a quick return to everything evil?

Because its just that; I've been escaping it, outrunning it, etc. It isn't solving the problem.

She's one of my biggest problems. I haven't solved her. I've been shutting her out of my life, but a closed door can still be broken through.

I'm treating symptoms, not the problem itself.

Everyone is going to scream at me to not go back to her, that it's amazingly stupid, or that at the very least I should enjoy a little of the peace that i've stumbled into.

I just feel like this is the right thing to do though, even if it is walking back into a personal hell more terrible than anything i've ever faced.

Any thoughts? I could use some advice on this, maybe i'm just too ambitious and hellbent on fixing things to realize that this is way out of my league. I know that after all the drama I went through during the past few months, I've pissed a lot of people off, and I don't know who all is really there for me anymore. Support of any kind is good.

I'll take anything you offer up. Even if you hate me, even if you don't know the situation well, i'll listen to any advice given.