It’s A Long Fall From The Top (SHHHHHIIIIIII--)

Part 1 of 2 or maybe 3.

A year ago today, off only by about two hours. It was Nicci that actually informed me and sent me racing off to find out.

I was on top of the entire goddamn world. I felt like I could do anything.

I'm not at rock bottom anymore but I still feel like I come near to slipping back there. How can one person have that much of an effect on someone else? How can that one person be both a savior and a destroyer? She caused my highest of highs and arguably my lowest of lows. It's been nearly a year since I hit those lows and I still haven't been able to shake it. I've been doing ok but tonight it hit me hard.

What's worse, it hurts so much to see where I was and how far I've fallen. It hurts all the more because I the one person I KNOW cared about me is no longer a part of my life, and after being hit so hard by this after so much time has passed, i dont know that I can ever fully bounce back.

It's made me lose a little more faith in humanity. "I am exhumed, just a little less human and a lot more bitter and cold..." The one person that cared about me also put me through hell and nearly as much pain as Maryiah (maybe as much or more? I dont know. One was over the course of a few years, the other tightly packed into less than a year). Ohh shit.

It's not even that I can't get over her anymore. I can move past the person.

No, it hurts because I can't even begin to comprehend how someone I loved so much, how when i know that person cared about me, could cause me so much pain and grief that I nearly did use that little contingency plan. Like, "if she hadn't actually banged on the door as I already had started"nearly used that plan.

That's what I can't bring myself to get over. That someone that I loved and someone that cared about me so much could cause me so much harm. It keeps me up at night, I can't even begin to understand it, it seems like a contradiction in logical terms but it isn't because i KNOW they're both true. *sigh*

I started out trying to write this so I would feel better, but it's only made me feel worse now. I want a drink but I don't have anything and maybe that's for the best. It's growing out of control again. I never should have started back when I was hurt.

The last two Christmas breaks I had were amazing. Last year because of her, the year before because I was on all the right meds and for the first time in a long while I felt like I was who I wanted to be.

This time. Well, no. It just blows because all I'm left with are memories of the past that haunt me, phantoms of what could have been and how I should be.

Happy fuckin' holidays.

I won't say "hope yours are better than mine" because I know they will be. I'm not getting one damn thing for my birthday or Christmas. Woo-fucking-hoo.

I just drove under the Lincoln sign
To where New Jersey meets the New York line
And through the tunnel for the last time
With everything crumbling behind
I stood still until I felt the shakes
Of two bodies that were parting ways
I didn't want to be the one to say
I know this hurts but it's time to break
In two pieces, the fault line is not secure
A boat or bridge is needed to get back to her

I feel like I am paralyzed
When I look at the extra space left in my bed
And think about all the things we did
At least I'm feeling more alive
But I still have some old weight that I've got to shed
Before I find happiness

I make mountains out of my worries
And I plant pain instead of sturdy trees
I have got to wash these old sheets
So I can fall asleep
There are times, there are times I reach for the phone
To tell you that there might still be some hope
Holding on to the slack of rope
But that's the whiskey talking, so
I hope that you can find some peace in life
Can you survive without me?
'Cause I thought I'd be fine.
Now I am slurring every single line.

I feel like I am paralyzed
When I look at the extra space left in my bed
And think about all the things we did
At least I'm feeling more alive
But I still have some old weight that I've got to shed
I've got to move .. I can find happiness

This isn't fair, nobody taught me (how to let go)
"Just be here now" and you'll be set free from sorrow?
But at this time, I don't see clearly (How will I know?)
What is the point? What is the meaning?

Now I'm struggling, I black out so I can't dream
But I still see you sneaking through my weary head
I summer from a drought of medicine to dull self-doubt
I just wanna drown you out with southern poison
If I had a drink for every Goddamn time I think
About your pale skin dressed in pink
Then at least I could sleep
If I had a shot for every Goddamn time I thought
About your face and what I lost
At least I'd get some sleep
Sleep, sleep, at least I'd get some sleep
Sleep, sleep, then at least I'd get some sleep…