"Where's your Christmas spirit?" Haley asks me.
"I don't know.... My family doesn't really do anything for the holidays, you know that."
"Ughh! You must've done something though."
I think for a second. "Well, when I was younger, my parents would drive around and look at Christmas lights."
Her eyes light up. "That's perfect!" She grabs her keys and purse. "Come on!"
"Haley," I start, but she grabs my arm and tugs me out the door with her.
So we drive around for a while. She talks about how pretty some of the houses look, and it’s a genuine appreciation, not the semi-bitter sarcasm I’ve grown accompanied to over the past several years. We talk, she holds my hand, and for a brief time, she helps me manage to recapture a small feeling for the holiday.
This will always be one of my favorite memories of her.
A couple of nights ago, on the other hand... Eh.
Many of you know about my seafood allergy.
Guess who didn’t?
I go over to her house though, walk in, and hear Christmas music blaring from the kitchen. She takes me by the hands, tries to dance a bit to the music, then gives me a quick kiss.
“It’ll be ready in a bit! Don’t look, it’s a surprise!”
Anyways. We start to eat; it’s pasta. Something in it tastes familiar, but I can’t quite place it. After a plateful I finally crack and ask what meat is in it.
“Shrimp,” she answers.
“...We gotta go to the hospital.”
So it goes that I get a shot and spend the rest of the night throwing up. But it gets more interesting.
She gets on my computer and Stephanie IM’s me. Now, it’s weird enough for me that Courtney and Haley are pretty good friends, but there’s just something REALLY weird feeling about those two talking, even for a little bit.
But they do.
Nothing bad was said, they both assured me. I read the transcript later and they’re right. >.<
But I come out of my whole “throwing up omg I’m going to die” phase. I’m exhausted, so I stay there for the night. We talk a little bit before falling asleep. She brings up that she talked to Stephanie, etc, and asks about the significance of the name “Hayley.” (RD Character) I put it off until the next day.
Anyways, we go back to the house for a brief time; I have a package that arrived.
She studies the movie case. 500 Days of Summer.
“500 Days of UGGGHHHH?” She reads the note I wrote to myself.
“...Yeah. It just reminds me of someone way too much.”
“Your ex said it was good. Said I should watch it.”
So later that night, after I get off work, we go grab some food, go back to her place, and start watching it. Laying there on her bed, holding her and feeling her pressed up against me... it was... wonderful. Bittersweet. Everything about it, I want to hold in vivid detail. The intoxicating scent of her hair, the warmth of her skin pressed to mine... *sigh*
“Are you crying?” She asks at one point in the movie.
“...Shush.” I teared up 10 times. (That isn’t an exaggeration. I counted.)
I just want to say that I love and hate this movie so much.
After it’s over... “That was...” she searches for the right words to say. “Wow.”
I simply nod in agreement. She rolls over, begins to kiss me.
Sometime later, we’re laying there close together.
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” she whispers. This moment...damn. The best I can think of to describe it is a sickening sense of elation. They’re words I’ve always wanted to hear. I even think they’re genuine. But it’s something I can’t give back. My touch on her immediately goes dead. I remain silent.
“Well, this is the part where you say it back...”
“...Love is a very strong word,” I answer.
“You feel SOMETHING for me though, right?”
“Yes, of course! Sometimes,” I answer.
She’s out of my embrace and sitting up in the blink of an eye.
“Sometimes?”
“Yeah, I mean--”
“SOMETIMES?”
“Haley...” I try to caress her but she brushes me off.
“I think you should go,” she says coldly.
I try to argue and it picks up for a bit. She screams at me to go again.
“I’m sorry...” I say. “I’m so sorry....”
“Just go.”
I hear her crying before I’m halfway down the hall. I turn back, hear her lock her door. I reluctantly leave.
This is my confession: I feel like I’ve lost all traces of being human. The only part of me that still feels, that has ever felt for a while, is for a person that does not want it. I've become what I've always hated in others.
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