This should've been publicly viewable and commentable on myspace, I don't understand why it wouldn't be. I made it that way on purpose.
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I want to start off saying that these words are not meant in any way, shape, or form to be an attack. After everything I went through my junior year, I did my best not to negatively write blogs about people other than myself, because that creates all sorts of issues that just snowball. I’ve been decent with this, excepting perhaps recent months. Vague, and people could probably pick up on events referred to no, but I rarely mentioned names.
Let me also state that I know what I did was stupid. It was done in a moment lost in emotion, and as such, for simplicity’s sake, I will just say that I went apeshit.
The words I’m saying here aren’t an attack; rather, I’m wanting to do my best to show people how I got to this point and what finally pushed me over the edge.
As many know, I tried to cut all ties with Stephanie. She’d try to get in touch with me, tell me that it hurt without me in her life, etc. And it got to the point where she didn’t just lose me from her life... but almost made it to where EVERYONE lost me from their lives.
I unsuccessfully tried to end my life on the 31st in a deluge of pills and alcohol.
As many of you know from previous stories or conversations, I do support certain types of suicide. However, I will stress that the justification for what I tried was stupid emotional bullshit and it wouldn’t have been the way I truly want to go out, should I ever come to that conclusion again in the future. (I do not want to, nor do I hope I do)
There’s a handful of people that know about this and the reasoning I had behind it. I will do my best to explain that here.
Quite simply, this had been building for a long time. October was the lynchpin of my self-destruction and from there I only continued to fall. Seeing the girl I loved happy with someone else was, well, a downer. It continually dragged on, until we finally talked, and I told her that while she was happy with someone else I couldn’t be a part of her life, because it hurt too much.
And so, there was that moment of closure. Beautiful finality, that, while it hurt, it also felt right. There was no bitterness, no anger, it was a parting on good, albeit sad, terms.
Except it wasn’t. Not even a couple of days thereafter she kept trying to get in contact with me, whether it be through phone, text, IM, or blogs. I stuck to my word and did not answer any of them.
One night she said that she’d had a particularly shitty day, and after much internal struggle and advice from someone (...can you actually believe it was Maryiah, amongst one other friend) in favor of talking to her, I replied.
It wasn’t quite happy, and I asked a lot of questions that I’d very much still like the answers to, but it was a form of communication nonetheless. Whereas our final meeting had that reassuring finality to it, every bit of communication she used over the next few days chiseled away at that beautiful moment. It eroded, more and more, until that bitterness and weight fell on my heart again.
She said things that led me to believe she still had some form of feelings for me. Things you don’t just say to a friend, or talked about things she wanted to do that just isn’t for friends.
And so I wrote saying that if this was the case, she needed to do something about it. That she needed to pick him or me.
And then a couple of days later, after no communication, she tells me that her boyfriend told her he loved her. Like a screeching trainwreck, I couldn’t turn away. “What did you say back?”
At the time of writing this, it’s been a week since getting her response. I can’t describe how weird it is, because it’s like the world is constantly moving on, but I’m stuck in place. Life just feels...motionless. I mean, the next couple of days after it I felt like I was caught in an absolute shitstorm from the people around me; it’s extremely hard to say who was most perturbed when I started telling people. One simply said “Well, good morning...” and we talked some. Others were supportive and cautious. Maryiah freaked the fuck out. I called my ex before I did it, telling her that I loved her, telling her goodbye.
I want to take a moment to sidetrack; normally 1 ambien leaves me with no recollection of what happened the previous night. For me to remember something, it has to be exceptional in some way. It’s hard for me to remember talking to her on IM that night, up until she said those words. I remember that quite clearly. I remember the impulse and immediately drinking. I have no recollection of time after that, up until the phone call. I remember laying in bed, struggling not to black out, reaching for my phone through a hazy world and mind. I remember the call, I remember speaking the words. I hung up, and with her on my mind, unconsciousness enveloped me. Her response to him still heavy on my mind.
I can’t even begin to describe the raw emotion that surged through me when I first heard that answer. It wasn’t so much a thought process as it was instinctively reaching for the rest of my pills, choking them down, and then chasing them with my old vice of cheap vodka. That’s all that was going through my mind. Reach for pills. Swallow. Pour as much vodka down my throat as I could before passing out.
I felt like I wanted to tear myself in two, that I just wanted to rip off my skin and scream in primal rage. I wanted to hurl myself at something alive and destroy it, beat it until it was nothing but an indecipherable mess of pulp. I wanted to rage against the world, destroy something beautiful, and just punch and swing until I fell over from exhaustion. I wanted to scream until my throat was raw and my lungs bled.
I’ve tried to reread those words a couple of times since then; it still gives me that impulse to walk up to the nearest person and punch them. Literally, I tried to read it once and then found myself on my feet, hands balled into fists.
So you’re madly in love and happier than ever; that’s all fine and whatnot, but you also said repeatedly that you didn’t want me to hurt. So why put all of those constant reminders out there?
I’m not asking as a bitter ex or someone lost in unrequited love, but as a person appealing to another person. You claimed I was an amazing person, I’m wonderful, that you cared deeply for me, even loved me as a friend, but why would you not spare me of that pain? Why did you not show me even an ounce of compassion, if you truly cared?
You stated at some point that you felt jealous of Haley. I had fun with her. She was a good girl. But I didn’t post any frequent reminders of her that you’d have to see. It was like you had to boast that happiness and rub it in; you knew it would hurt me, but you didn’t care. I told you repeatedly that it was killing me, but you didn’t quite understand or care about the literalness of my words.
And then I tried, and maybe then it sunk in for you.
I will take a moment to get off on a tangent here. I woke up on the morning of the first, much to my dismay at the time. I stayed with friends for a long time, then finally fell asleep. The next day (2nd) I went home for a couple of days and did not come back until Thursday (4th). While I had removed you from facebook and myspace, I had not thought of my google reader. At home, I did not get online. So when I come back and check everything out online, I’m still subscribed to your blog. Three posts. I check them out, sure.
The first one, some pretty pissed off words. If I may explain myself; I did not email Haley out of bitterness. As I’ve said, she’s a good girl. I do care about her, and I don’t think she deserves to be hurt anymore than she already has. I told her your statement not to make her mad at you, or to piss you off. I did it because I didn’t want you to hurt her. This may have overstepped my boundaries. But you’re very good at giving kind words and saying you care so much, but your actions... well, obviously, your actions can be strong enough to make someone want to die. If you two become good friends, that’s great. I just didn’t want her to think she has a friend in someone that doesn’t care about her as a friend.
In short, to your other statement; you stopped being the inspiration for the character Hayley a long time ago. I will not eradicate your influences. I will not erase everything I have of you, because you wouldn’t do that for me if I asked it of you.
Beyond this... I do feel the desire to ask, the need to know... why?
Why would you do these things if you cared? Why did you keep taking and taking from me when you knew what you were doing? Why then, if that meant something to you, did you turn your back on it? What did you do to deserve all of me? My love? To even deserve me in your life? Why did you constantly slap me in the face, so to speak, by never treating me with an ounce of the respect that I deserved?
What makes him better than me? What does he give you that I couldn’t? What does he have that I don’t?
This is me, asking those questions of her. Wanting answers, needing them. You don’t want me to hurt? Then answer them. That will help me some. This is me openly telling you to get in touch with me for those answers; post them here, send them to email or IM. Something. Prove you care(d) with answers.
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In further news on this topic; I think that while the surface of the pond was nowhere near tranquil, the ripples this incident have evoked will continue to spread for quite some time. To flat out state it; authorities have already been told about this incident. I’ll discuss more of the ripples at a later time, but it’s unsettling for me. I will also state and stress that while I’m still very depressed etc, I have no intention to try this again.
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