Felt Kinda Depressed Today

...for no real reason.  I guess now that life has "settled down" so to speak I'm just trying to find my place in it, and coming to these realizations aren't exactly the happiest.  I know I should look on the bright side of things, and I try to, but sometimes it can be hard.

It's frustrating for me to look at my life and reflect at times.  Earlier today I was on Franklin's campus, hanging out with Theo, and it made me feel sorta nostalgic.  At the same time, however, Franklin nostalgia is somewhat dangerous, since most of the memories it dredges up involve copious amounts of alcohol.  That, in turn, sometimes revitalizes that desire to drink, and well, that generally leads to a brief struggle and spiral into depression.

I've been semi-reflective today, probably have been for the past few days without fully realizing it.  As I said above, trying to find my place in the world, and all that.

Simply put, I'm starting to feel like a failure, slowly but surely.  That tied in to the Franklin nostalgia brought me to the conclusion that I pissed away most of my college career, eeking through it to reach the finish line without really taking too much away from it all other than alcoholism and a few friends that stuck along the way.

I bitch a lot about my job or lack of money or any number of things, and most people do, sure.  But here's the thing; I really only have myself to blame, a thought no one really likes to entertain.  I had endless opportunities to prove myself through and at college and I squandered every opportunity at every pass, choosing instead to drown myself in a deluge of liquor, pills, and bad decisions.

And now I'm paying for it.  I say I deserve better, but do I?  I'm stuck in a shit job because of my poor decisions in the past.  I lack the motivation to excel in other areas.  I could've done more, and I chose not to.  The argument would be, "Find another job?"  But I've tried, and I get caught up in a cycle of something that goes like this:  1.  Get pissed off about something at work.  2.  Try to find another job.  3.  Apply for tons of jobs.  4.  Get maybe 1 callback or interview.  5.  Learn that it wasn't what I thought it was.  6.  Get depressed, stay on current job until something leads us back to point 1.

You can argue that hey, I'm out on my own, have a loving girlfriend, and life is good.  And yes, it is.  But understand that without her, what do I have left?  By myself, I am not financially viable.  I literally could not afford to be living on my own.  Take Macy out of the equation for a moment.  What's left of me?  I'd be a 27 year old college graduate, living in Greensburg still, with my parents, probably back on the bottle and who knows what else.

I want more out of life, and I don't think that's too greedy to ask?  I don't know.  I would love to be able to go out and do more, see some sights, get out of the country for a bit of time, but I feel like a mooch.  By myself I couldn't afford any of those things and my credit is wrecked from student loans.

Sometimes I feel like I've been tossed overboard, and Macy is there, steadying, keeping me afloat, but I'm terrified of pulling her down with me.  How do I better myself anymore?  How do I refrain from damaging anyone else in the process?

I'm no longer able to sustain myself and have no idea what to do.