Ok... so yes, I really did write this a while back. After typing it up I edited it a bit, but for the true skeptics you can look at the hand written pages if you want. I called how things were gonna go down a month at least before they happened. Intuition, much?
=====
Hayley stood at the gate, hugging Alan, refusing to let any emotion touch her face. he slowly unwrapped his arms from her body and took a step back. She had no desire to let go, not exactly, even if she did not share in his feelings for her. Hayley wanted to stay stateside, at least a while longer, despite being away from her family and home in the UK.
"So this is really goodbye," Hayley whispered sadly. Her voice did break slightly, despite her best efforts. Alan's typically placid face contorted to a failed effort of hiding his sadness.
"We'll see each other next semester," he said simply. "It's only a few months away."
She had other American friends that she'd met through college, but none of them mattered to her, not like him. They'd known each other since September, only eight months yet they grew to know each other so well, to the point they'd changed each other's lives.
"I want to thank you for everything," Alan said. "For saving me from Maryiah. It'll be hard without you."
"Stop," Hayley ordered; she knew the lead in to what was about to come before he ever started speaking. "Don't make this any harder than it already is." She thought of that day when he'd come to her, told her that he'd overcome his personal demon, and the admittance of his love to her.
"You know how I feel about you, and that hasn't changed. I can't say that it ever will. I don't want to get into any arguments with you, not now. I'm going to miss you as a friend, as an important figure in my life, not because of that love. I do love you though. And I'd do anything for you; I know I've said that so many times, but I swear I would."
Hayley blinked back her tears and let the curse on her tongue fly off. "Bloody Christ, Alan, you're saying one thing but doing another. Why can't you be content as friends?! Why are you trying to guilt me now, before we part ways?! What fucking good will come of this?!"
Alan took her by the hand, squeezed it tight. "Because this is how I feel, and I know I'm right about us, that you only need your eyes opened wide. LIke it or not, I'm the best thing that's ever walked into your life." He leaned in, kissed her cheek, and stepped back. He took the royal blue wristband from his left wrist and slowly folded it into her open hand.
"I want you to have this, Hayley. It means a lot to me. It's always reminded me of one of the few times I was happy, back before I met you."
"Alan, no," she said, momentarily surprised by the offering. "I can't. I won't take something that means so much to you...." She paused, her temper still flared up. "In fact... I honestly think we should give each other a rest over the summer. When we come back in the fall, then we should try to sort out our friendship next year." She heavily stressed her lack of desire for a relationship with him and ignored the troubled expression it painted across his face.
She tried to hand him the wristband back but he refused to take it.
"If we step out of each other's lives, I think it's even more important. Remember me by it, please?"
"I don't know.... I don't think it's a good idea. Give it to someone else, Brianna, something, just not me. I wouldn't forget you."
"It wouldn't mean anything if I gave it to anyone else; you were always there for me, not any other person –" he cut off as Hayley's flight was announced. She needed to board, and soon.
"I have to go," she whispered. Alan took her gently by the hand, made sure she still held on to his gift. "Please, take it. I'll miss you, and I hope you get ahold of me over the summer. You mean so much to me Hayley, you seriously do. I love you."
Instead of simply running off to catch her flight, she paused in anger and gave him a cold stare. She loathed hearing those words from Alan and asked him repeatedly not to say it. Without even thinking, angry words flew from her mouth.
"If you'd truly do anything for me, then stop loving me," she bit out angrily. Without so much as a goodbye she turned and darted into the crowd of people, leaving Alan in painful isolation.
Showing posts with label Creativity Project. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Creativity Project. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Creativity Project: The Lost Days, Day 13 and 14
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Day 14:
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Comments appreciated. I'll try to have more of the stuff posted later. I've got some of the things typed up.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Creativity Project: Day 27
My Mess (Part XXXI of "Longing")
(Originally started Sunday, April 27, 2008 7:38 PM)
I've gotten myself into some pretty horrible situations before, there's no denying that. This one crept up on me and managed to take me prisoner before I fully had a grasp on the situation. Where did all of this begin?
I started talking to Victoria on a Wednesday. I remember that much; I was backing from my history class, it was a little b it chilly out, and I had my Zelda hoddie on. She commented on it, and we talked for the next two hours. Sounds like we hit it off pretty well, eh? I'd agree.
I thought she was this nerdy, shy, kinda cute girl that I had a lot in common with, upon making a first impression. This is all good, except for the fact that my heart belonged to someone else. Call me an idiot, if you will, and I probably deserve it. But I still loved Courtney.
My Fraternity's Formal was going to occur on Saturday, April 12th; my date was Courtney. On the 11th, I met up with a friend in the student center so we could go to Greenwood and pick up my tuxedo. Victoria just happened to be a mutual friend, and we ran into her. She opted to come with us, and afterwards we all went back to my friend's room to watch a movie.
And this, I can safely say, is the moment where my mess violently erupted. She'd dropped a few hints before, but I could have been mistaken. By the end of the movie there were absolutely no doubts in my mind that she was flirting and had a thing for me.
After Kirby got ahold of me, we all went to play Guitar Hero in my room. After he eventually left, however, Victoria and I were put into an awkward silence. Nothing happened, I want to stress that. Not one damn thing.
I still felt horrible, however. This girl clearly liked me, but I was in love with someone else. I knew at the time that I had absolutely no obligations to Courtney, but that was the worst I've felt in a long time. It felt like cheating, to me, even though we weren't together. I felt awful.
Nearly the instant Victoria and I were alone, I dove right in with the honest truth. I told her that she seemed like a wonderful girl, that we had a lot in common, and that I should have been thrilled to have her interested in me. I told her I still loved my ex-girlfriend though, and that she deserved better than to be in some half-assed relationship with me. She replied that she understood, and that she'd wait for me.
So then Formal comes around the next day. I feel extremely exhausted because of something else that transpired that night, which led to a run-in with campus security, though that is unimportant and irrelevant to this story. I'm exhausted, depressed, and feel...well... ashamed, because I felt like I had cheated on a girl I had no obligation towards.
The event didn't go bad, but it wasn't anything I had planned or expected. I was riding a few of my last nerves however, simply because nothing went according to plan. So when I asked Courtney what she wanted to do, and she gave the predictable apathetic response, I snapped.
"It's not that hard to make a goddammn decision," I shouted out to her. It was slightly uncalled for, I'll admit. I was angry, but the frustration wasn't built up from nothing, since she never made decisions. Enough of defending myself, though.
I eventually apologize, and we agree to watch a movie, on the condition that she picks it. Once in my room, however, she lays upon my bed, constantly either texts her friends or plays with her phone, and then leaves after about an hour, no decision made.
The next morning we're supposed to have lunch with my parents, but she decides against going, which frustrates me. The last thing she said to me was "Don't get mad," but that did not help any. Of course I was mad; my parents had wasted their time and money to come up here solely because she wanted to have lunch with them. And then she says "I don't have the money" and "I need to shower." She later gave reasons as to why she didn't have money, and I told her we would have waited on her, but by that point it was already too late.
But yeah. So I'm frustrated at her, and there's Victoria. We spent some more time together, though I aptly reminded her that I was still in love with Courtney. Regardless, we went to some movie that night, and then hung out at the house.
And while the point at which Victoria began to flirt with me was the violent eruption of this mess, the following passage of time is where I learned I was suddenly in way over my head.
We're sitting in a brother's room, watching TV. She leans over and whispers, "I think I love you."
This was only after three or so days of knowing her.
That was all on the Sunday the 13th. A few more days pass, I tell Courtney we need to talk face to face sometime and sort out our stuff. That was on the 16th. Three more days later, she IM's me late in the night while I'm asleep, saying she's drunk and that was the only reason she could actually IM me. I eventually get back to her, and we chat briefly about how we... need to chat.
All this time, I've been speaking more to Victoria and less to Courtney. After a few things happened on the 17th, Victoria and I became "official" though I did not want to be in a relationship with her. The more time I spent with her, the more I knew anything we had wouldn't work out, that we were just better off as friends. But it came to that point regardless. I think I may have said, "Yes, we're official" just because I was honestly aggravated. I'm not sure. But all of that was a mistake.
The 21st comes. Courtney and I are able to talk face to face. The conversation lasts a long while, but it essentially comes down to me finally telling her, "You need to make up your mind and stop leading me on. This has been going on for far too long."
Her only rebuttal was essentially, "Ok."
I did tell her that I felt nothing for Victoria, and that I was going to end things with her even if I didn't have feelings for Courtney. This is completely true, and I talked about this with any number of friends. Victoria quickly proved herself to be clingy, over-possessive, obsessive, over-dramatic, untrustworthy, and untrusting, to name just a few things off.
A few more days pass. On the 23rd, I noticed on facebook that Courtney was now listed as "In a relationship" with someone. Oh joy, facebook has provided more drama to this situation than anyone could possibly believe.
I was sitting at the house, with a few of my brothers, when I saw this information. Without so much as a word, I stood up, put Lappy away, walked back to my room, and burst into tears. I cut more times than I have in years. More than I ever have before, perhaps. It didn't make the pain go away. I went through every old escape and habit I could think of. All of them.
And so came a point when, after nothing else had worked, I found my way down to CVS, staring at my old familiar friend that I hadn't seen in nearly half a year. Cheap vodka.
People worried about me. My brothers kept an extremely close eye on me after they learned that I was drunk. Victoria gets... scared... to say the least. And I continue on with that bottle.
Shortly after midnight, Courtney IM's me, asking if I was drunk. I didn't lie; I wouldn't even answer the question.
And while I did have alcohol in me at the point in time, I was in a very sober state of mind. I'm not just thinking about how I feel; I've put your thoughts into consideration to some extent. We'll get to this in a later part, however.
And we still need to talk out a few things. You agreed to, and you owe me the truth. It's been nearly a week though, and no word or anything from you. That's gotten under my skin more than I care to admit.
But anyways, yes, I drank for the first time in 5 months and 24 days. Then on Friday I drank again. Victoria did not approve and went ballistic because she thought I was going to sleep with one of our mutual friends.
The next day, as I was drinking again, she insulted my brothers. I told her, "Well, if you feel that way, don't bother coming to hang out at the house tonight."
And five seconds later, my funniest break-up to date thus far happened. She replied with, "I changed my facebook profile." I go and look, she's single. Since I didn't want to be in a relationship with her to begin with, I was relieved more than anything.
So how is this still a mess then? I escaped from a relationship I didn't want to be in, and while I had messed up months of progress on drinking, my alcoholic tendencies actually helped me instead of hurting.
It wasn't exactly a clean break.
This is still a horrible, horrible mess, because now Victoria is doing all of these different things to gain attention. She immediately tried to get back with me, and went so far as to threaten to hurt herself on multiple occasions. She has not, to my knowledge, and I will not delve further into her problems, since they are her private business and no one else's, but rest assured, she has some large skeletons in her closet and she's using them to manipulate me around.
At the same time, this is still a huge mess because I undid nearly 6 months of drinking in one instance. I also feel like I forced Courtney's mind, and because of that, the girl I love is now with someone else. I have enough honor not to do anything about that, but damn, it hurts.
Relating back to earlier, about how I've put your thoughts into consideration.... It may not mean much, but I understand fully some of the things you've said. Not the panic or fear of a relationship growing more serious, but the other things. Victoria wanted her happiness to rely solely upon me, the love word was brought out incredibly too quickly, and she doesn't want to make any changes for herself but so she can be with me.
I understand how you feel, now. But I'm not going to lead her on. I don't have romantic feelings for her and I've been apt to point this out. I'm around to help her, should she decide to change herself for herself, but I do not want a relationship with her.
But this is my mess... I'm stuck looking at the girl I love, knowing that she's with someone else, and having that tearing me up inside, while I hope and pray that the girl I don't love doesn't wind up doing something stupid because she only wants to be with me. The more I think, the more I know what I have to do to completely fix this mess, but God... I never wanted it to come to that.
"Hold Me Down" By Motion City Soundtrack
I found a letter that said:
"I'm sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words down,"
You'd think I'd ought to be used to that by now.
See for a few of those late night episodes,
Missed opportunities, and "I Don't Cares,"
There's not a lot that I feel obliged to share or talk about.
I'll have my brother stop by this Saturday to pick up my things,
Just make sure you're not there.
This may sound bad, don't take it the wrong way..
I love you, however, you hold me down
you hold me down
you hold me down
you hold me down.
You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom
How will I break the news to you?
How will I break the news to you?
Cancel our dinner with Max and Coraline
Feed Jackies gerbil
and try to stay clean
we'll talk it over after i've had some time alone to sort it out
you hold me down
you hold me down
you hold me down
you hold me down.
You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..
How will I break the news to you?
How will I break the news to you?
How will I break the news to you?
How will I break the news to you?
How will I break the news to you?
(Originally started Sunday, April 27, 2008 7:38 PM)
I've gotten myself into some pretty horrible situations before, there's no denying that. This one crept up on me and managed to take me prisoner before I fully had a grasp on the situation. Where did all of this begin?
I started talking to Victoria on a Wednesday. I remember that much; I was backing from my history class, it was a little b it chilly out, and I had my Zelda hoddie on. She commented on it, and we talked for the next two hours. Sounds like we hit it off pretty well, eh? I'd agree.
I thought she was this nerdy, shy, kinda cute girl that I had a lot in common with, upon making a first impression. This is all good, except for the fact that my heart belonged to someone else. Call me an idiot, if you will, and I probably deserve it. But I still loved Courtney.
My Fraternity's Formal was going to occur on Saturday, April 12th; my date was Courtney. On the 11th, I met up with a friend in the student center so we could go to Greenwood and pick up my tuxedo. Victoria just happened to be a mutual friend, and we ran into her. She opted to come with us, and afterwards we all went back to my friend's room to watch a movie.
And this, I can safely say, is the moment where my mess violently erupted. She'd dropped a few hints before, but I could have been mistaken. By the end of the movie there were absolutely no doubts in my mind that she was flirting and had a thing for me.
After Kirby got ahold of me, we all went to play Guitar Hero in my room. After he eventually left, however, Victoria and I were put into an awkward silence. Nothing happened, I want to stress that. Not one damn thing.
I still felt horrible, however. This girl clearly liked me, but I was in love with someone else. I knew at the time that I had absolutely no obligations to Courtney, but that was the worst I've felt in a long time. It felt like cheating, to me, even though we weren't together. I felt awful.
Nearly the instant Victoria and I were alone, I dove right in with the honest truth. I told her that she seemed like a wonderful girl, that we had a lot in common, and that I should have been thrilled to have her interested in me. I told her I still loved my ex-girlfriend though, and that she deserved better than to be in some half-assed relationship with me. She replied that she understood, and that she'd wait for me.
So then Formal comes around the next day. I feel extremely exhausted because of something else that transpired that night, which led to a run-in with campus security, though that is unimportant and irrelevant to this story. I'm exhausted, depressed, and feel...well... ashamed, because I felt like I had cheated on a girl I had no obligation towards.
The event didn't go bad, but it wasn't anything I had planned or expected. I was riding a few of my last nerves however, simply because nothing went according to plan. So when I asked Courtney what she wanted to do, and she gave the predictable apathetic response, I snapped.
"It's not that hard to make a goddammn decision," I shouted out to her. It was slightly uncalled for, I'll admit. I was angry, but the frustration wasn't built up from nothing, since she never made decisions. Enough of defending myself, though.
I eventually apologize, and we agree to watch a movie, on the condition that she picks it. Once in my room, however, she lays upon my bed, constantly either texts her friends or plays with her phone, and then leaves after about an hour, no decision made.
The next morning we're supposed to have lunch with my parents, but she decides against going, which frustrates me. The last thing she said to me was "Don't get mad," but that did not help any. Of course I was mad; my parents had wasted their time and money to come up here solely because she wanted to have lunch with them. And then she says "I don't have the money" and "I need to shower." She later gave reasons as to why she didn't have money, and I told her we would have waited on her, but by that point it was already too late.
But yeah. So I'm frustrated at her, and there's Victoria. We spent some more time together, though I aptly reminded her that I was still in love with Courtney. Regardless, we went to some movie that night, and then hung out at the house.
And while the point at which Victoria began to flirt with me was the violent eruption of this mess, the following passage of time is where I learned I was suddenly in way over my head.
We're sitting in a brother's room, watching TV. She leans over and whispers, "I think I love you."
This was only after three or so days of knowing her.
That was all on the Sunday the 13th. A few more days pass, I tell Courtney we need to talk face to face sometime and sort out our stuff. That was on the 16th. Three more days later, she IM's me late in the night while I'm asleep, saying she's drunk and that was the only reason she could actually IM me. I eventually get back to her, and we chat briefly about how we... need to chat.
All this time, I've been speaking more to Victoria and less to Courtney. After a few things happened on the 17th, Victoria and I became "official" though I did not want to be in a relationship with her. The more time I spent with her, the more I knew anything we had wouldn't work out, that we were just better off as friends. But it came to that point regardless. I think I may have said, "Yes, we're official" just because I was honestly aggravated. I'm not sure. But all of that was a mistake.
The 21st comes. Courtney and I are able to talk face to face. The conversation lasts a long while, but it essentially comes down to me finally telling her, "You need to make up your mind and stop leading me on. This has been going on for far too long."
Her only rebuttal was essentially, "Ok."
I did tell her that I felt nothing for Victoria, and that I was going to end things with her even if I didn't have feelings for Courtney. This is completely true, and I talked about this with any number of friends. Victoria quickly proved herself to be clingy, over-possessive, obsessive, over-dramatic, untrustworthy, and untrusting, to name just a few things off.
A few more days pass. On the 23rd, I noticed on facebook that Courtney was now listed as "In a relationship" with someone. Oh joy, facebook has provided more drama to this situation than anyone could possibly believe.
I was sitting at the house, with a few of my brothers, when I saw this information. Without so much as a word, I stood up, put Lappy away, walked back to my room, and burst into tears. I cut more times than I have in years. More than I ever have before, perhaps. It didn't make the pain go away. I went through every old escape and habit I could think of. All of them.
And so came a point when, after nothing else had worked, I found my way down to CVS, staring at my old familiar friend that I hadn't seen in nearly half a year. Cheap vodka.
People worried about me. My brothers kept an extremely close eye on me after they learned that I was drunk. Victoria gets... scared... to say the least. And I continue on with that bottle.
Shortly after midnight, Courtney IM's me, asking if I was drunk. I didn't lie; I wouldn't even answer the question.
And while I did have alcohol in me at the point in time, I was in a very sober state of mind. I'm not just thinking about how I feel; I've put your thoughts into consideration to some extent. We'll get to this in a later part, however.
And we still need to talk out a few things. You agreed to, and you owe me the truth. It's been nearly a week though, and no word or anything from you. That's gotten under my skin more than I care to admit.
But anyways, yes, I drank for the first time in 5 months and 24 days. Then on Friday I drank again. Victoria did not approve and went ballistic because she thought I was going to sleep with one of our mutual friends.
The next day, as I was drinking again, she insulted my brothers. I told her, "Well, if you feel that way, don't bother coming to hang out at the house tonight."
And five seconds later, my funniest break-up to date thus far happened. She replied with, "I changed my facebook profile." I go and look, she's single. Since I didn't want to be in a relationship with her to begin with, I was relieved more than anything.
So how is this still a mess then? I escaped from a relationship I didn't want to be in, and while I had messed up months of progress on drinking, my alcoholic tendencies actually helped me instead of hurting.
It wasn't exactly a clean break.
This is still a horrible, horrible mess, because now Victoria is doing all of these different things to gain attention. She immediately tried to get back with me, and went so far as to threaten to hurt herself on multiple occasions. She has not, to my knowledge, and I will not delve further into her problems, since they are her private business and no one else's, but rest assured, she has some large skeletons in her closet and she's using them to manipulate me around.
At the same time, this is still a huge mess because I undid nearly 6 months of drinking in one instance. I also feel like I forced Courtney's mind, and because of that, the girl I love is now with someone else. I have enough honor not to do anything about that, but damn, it hurts.
Relating back to earlier, about how I've put your thoughts into consideration.... It may not mean much, but I understand fully some of the things you've said. Not the panic or fear of a relationship growing more serious, but the other things. Victoria wanted her happiness to rely solely upon me, the love word was brought out incredibly too quickly, and she doesn't want to make any changes for herself but so she can be with me.
I understand how you feel, now. But I'm not going to lead her on. I don't have romantic feelings for her and I've been apt to point this out. I'm around to help her, should she decide to change herself for herself, but I do not want a relationship with her.
But this is my mess... I'm stuck looking at the girl I love, knowing that she's with someone else, and having that tearing me up inside, while I hope and pray that the girl I don't love doesn't wind up doing something stupid because she only wants to be with me. The more I think, the more I know what I have to do to completely fix this mess, but God... I never wanted it to come to that.
"Hold Me Down" By Motion City Soundtrack
I found a letter that said:
"I'm sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words down,"
You'd think I'd ought to be used to that by now.
See for a few of those late night episodes,
Missed opportunities, and "I Don't Cares,"
There's not a lot that I feel obliged to share or talk about.
I'll have my brother stop by this Saturday to pick up my things,
Just make sure you're not there.
This may sound bad, don't take it the wrong way..
I love you, however, you hold me down
you hold me down
you hold me down
you hold me down.
You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom
How will I break the news to you?
How will I break the news to you?
Cancel our dinner with Max and Coraline
Feed Jackies gerbil
and try to stay clean
we'll talk it over after i've had some time alone to sort it out
you hold me down
you hold me down
you hold me down
you hold me down.
You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..
How will I break the news to you?
How will I break the news to you?
How will I break the news to you?
How will I break the news to you?
How will I break the news to you?
Creativity Project: Day 24
My Thrice Broken Heart (Part XXX of "Longing")
(Originally started Thursday, April 24, 2008 6:28 AM)
It ended with a drink. Well, with a drink, a phone call, and a trip to the hospital due to near fatal alcohol consumption.
The drink? My personal quick fix, the cheapest vodka on the shelf. The phone call? To a girl I really liked, one that had rejected me only the day before. And the near fatal alcohol consumption? A sudden end to my rapidly budding alcoholism.
Which was for the best. I'd love to say that after putting the bottle down, life got so much better for me. It didn't though. That was the first time you broke my heart.
You kept leading me on, and I revealed some of my deepest, darkest secrets to you. I told you things I'd never told anyone else. I really thought all hope was lost between us. My problems in life grew to be pretty bad, but I never once went back to drinking. I only cut a few times in between too.
I'm not quite sure what happened. For a brief time, all too brief, I won you over. And then things fell apart. That was the second time you broke my heart. I was falling in love with you by then. You admitted to panicking, being afraid, that you still had feelings for me. And I loved you before any of those concessions came out.
And you continued to lead me on, though I kept being strong. I didn't give into drinking, I rarely cut, and though I cried and hurt, I grew from the situation you put me through. You gave me excuse after excuse, task after task, and I did them all. So long ago, you told me to "follow through," and I did so no matter what you asked.
What happened? I've bent over backwards for you since nearly day one, and in return I really haven't received anything but pain. Everything I say and did, it's completely gone over your head I feel like, or is otherwise under-appreciated.
It started with a drink. Well, with a piece of information, =====, and then a drink.
The information? That the girl I loved went back to her ex that cheated on her. The ===============. And the drink? Well, that was my old personal quick fix, the cheapest vodka on the shelf, of course.
I feel like so many things have gone over your head because when I say the words, "I love you," I don't mean them as some way to guilt you or otherwise make you feel bad. I say those words because I mean it, and I want you to know I care that much about you. I say them, and I don't expect you to say them back. I just wish that one day you would. That you would give yourself the opportunity to say them back one day. Even after talking to me when I was drunk, you seemed somewhat... unsure of your decision. You kept asking if I could give Victoria a chance, and that you didn't want to tell me how you felt because you felt like you were just manipulating... so that may have still given some implication that have feelings for me. After all I've done, why won't you give me that chance?
You've been nothing but unfair to me. Whatever happened to talking to me? You haven't even so much as IM'ed me since the first night I started drinking again. I don't know where you've gotten the fucked up idea that I don't care, because that completely contradicts the entire "I love you" thing going on. Seriously.
At the very least, you tell me that you care about me and want me to be a friend, that I was supposedly one of your best friends, yet all you've done is beat around the bush and never give a straight answer. Why? If you really cared about me, why would you do this to me? Why couldn't you ever give an answer? I've busted my ass to accommodate every single one of your requests, I've been happy, content, and getting along just fine in life until more recently. I'm getting ready to climb back up on that horse yet again.
You wanted to talk with me, and I want the answer to all of the times I have asked "why." But that was obviously just talk, wasn't it? I followed through, but you couldn't ever step up, could you?
I don't know what you're doing; anything you do to hurt me will certainly get the job done, because of how much I care for you, but in the end you're ultimately just going to hurt yourself worse.
I want you to do me a favor. When you're finally all grown-up and you think you understand what love is, when you love someone so much that you'd do anything for that person, I want you to imagine what'd it be like for that person to lead you on for four months without any true sign whatsoever of what he really thinks. I want you to think of how horrible it would feel, knowing that you love this person, and they have no desire to be with you. To think of that hopeless, horrible feeling, how bad it is in that moment, and then multiply it by months on end. I want you to realize how much I love you, and how much you've hurt me. And how I would still do anything for you.
I hope you never have to feel the amount of pain you've put me through. But I want you to know just how greatly it hurts, just for a second.
And I just keep on hurting, because you've stolen my heart away and I can't get it back, no matter what I try to do. No matter what anyone tells me, or how logical it sounds after what you've done to me, I just can't move on.
"Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional
Stolen
We watch the season
Pull up it's own stakes
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season fades away
You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart
Invitation only
Grant Farewells
Crash the best one
Of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed
Too early to say goodnight
You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart
And from the ballroom floor
We are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all
Will sleep well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well
you have stolen my
you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart
Watch you spin around
In the highest heels
You are the best one
Of the best ones
And we
All
Look
Like
We
Feel
you have stolen my
you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart..
(Originally started Thursday, April 24, 2008 6:28 AM)
It ended with a drink. Well, with a drink, a phone call, and a trip to the hospital due to near fatal alcohol consumption.
The drink? My personal quick fix, the cheapest vodka on the shelf. The phone call? To a girl I really liked, one that had rejected me only the day before. And the near fatal alcohol consumption? A sudden end to my rapidly budding alcoholism.
Which was for the best. I'd love to say that after putting the bottle down, life got so much better for me. It didn't though. That was the first time you broke my heart.
You kept leading me on, and I revealed some of my deepest, darkest secrets to you. I told you things I'd never told anyone else. I really thought all hope was lost between us. My problems in life grew to be pretty bad, but I never once went back to drinking. I only cut a few times in between too.
I'm not quite sure what happened. For a brief time, all too brief, I won you over. And then things fell apart. That was the second time you broke my heart. I was falling in love with you by then. You admitted to panicking, being afraid, that you still had feelings for me. And I loved you before any of those concessions came out.
And you continued to lead me on, though I kept being strong. I didn't give into drinking, I rarely cut, and though I cried and hurt, I grew from the situation you put me through. You gave me excuse after excuse, task after task, and I did them all. So long ago, you told me to "follow through," and I did so no matter what you asked.
What happened? I've bent over backwards for you since nearly day one, and in return I really haven't received anything but pain. Everything I say and did, it's completely gone over your head I feel like, or is otherwise under-appreciated.
It started with a drink. Well, with a piece of information, =====, and then a drink.
The information? That the girl I loved went back to her ex that cheated on her. The ===============. And the drink? Well, that was my old personal quick fix, the cheapest vodka on the shelf, of course.
I feel like so many things have gone over your head because when I say the words, "I love you," I don't mean them as some way to guilt you or otherwise make you feel bad. I say those words because I mean it, and I want you to know I care that much about you. I say them, and I don't expect you to say them back. I just wish that one day you would. That you would give yourself the opportunity to say them back one day. Even after talking to me when I was drunk, you seemed somewhat... unsure of your decision. You kept asking if I could give Victoria a chance, and that you didn't want to tell me how you felt because you felt like you were just manipulating... so that may have still given some implication that have feelings for me. After all I've done, why won't you give me that chance?
You've been nothing but unfair to me. Whatever happened to talking to me? You haven't even so much as IM'ed me since the first night I started drinking again. I don't know where you've gotten the fucked up idea that I don't care, because that completely contradicts the entire "I love you" thing going on. Seriously.
At the very least, you tell me that you care about me and want me to be a friend, that I was supposedly one of your best friends, yet all you've done is beat around the bush and never give a straight answer. Why? If you really cared about me, why would you do this to me? Why couldn't you ever give an answer? I've busted my ass to accommodate every single one of your requests, I've been happy, content, and getting along just fine in life until more recently. I'm getting ready to climb back up on that horse yet again.
You wanted to talk with me, and I want the answer to all of the times I have asked "why." But that was obviously just talk, wasn't it? I followed through, but you couldn't ever step up, could you?
I don't know what you're doing; anything you do to hurt me will certainly get the job done, because of how much I care for you, but in the end you're ultimately just going to hurt yourself worse.
I want you to do me a favor. When you're finally all grown-up and you think you understand what love is, when you love someone so much that you'd do anything for that person, I want you to imagine what'd it be like for that person to lead you on for four months without any true sign whatsoever of what he really thinks. I want you to think of how horrible it would feel, knowing that you love this person, and they have no desire to be with you. To think of that hopeless, horrible feeling, how bad it is in that moment, and then multiply it by months on end. I want you to realize how much I love you, and how much you've hurt me. And how I would still do anything for you.
I hope you never have to feel the amount of pain you've put me through. But I want you to know just how greatly it hurts, just for a second.
And I just keep on hurting, because you've stolen my heart away and I can't get it back, no matter what I try to do. No matter what anyone tells me, or how logical it sounds after what you've done to me, I just can't move on.
"Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional
Stolen
We watch the season
Pull up it's own stakes
And catch the last weekend
Of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced
Another sun soaked season fades away
You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart
Invitation only
Grant Farewells
Crash the best one
Of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed
Too early to say goodnight
You have stolen my heart
You have stolen my heart
And from the ballroom floor
We are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all
Will sleep well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well
Sleep Well
you have stolen my
you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart
Watch you spin around
In the highest heels
You are the best one
Of the best ones
And we
All
Look
Like
We
Feel
you have stolen my
you have stolen my
you have stolen my heart..
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Creativity Project: Day 6
=======
Here is today’s entry; there’s some little details I hope you all notice. Comment your thoughts please, I want to know what you think of my amateur personal photography.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Creativity Project: Day 3
What’s in a number?
What does 1540 mean to all of you? Probably not much...
Typically, we all hate being labeled as numbers, and I have to agree, but the number 1540 is a number now used to identify me and I gladly accept it.
What is it, and why does it mean so much to me?
As of tomorrow, by 9:00 PM, it will be my bond number for Phi Delta Theta. After two long, interesting years, we’ll all finally be initiated into the fraternity; on Saturday we go through our rechartering process and we’re official. We started bonding people at 1527, and our current final number is 1547. Kurtis is just above me, haha, so I can’t hold that over his head, but I’m still very happy to have this number as mine.
These two years have been interesting, and the things dealing with the fraternity alone are amazing experiences I wouldn’t trade away.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, all my memories involving the fraternity, and I wanted to look at them all here. Maybe this isn’t that "creative," but its important to me and dammit it’s my post for the day =P
It all first started really when I was going through a break-up with someone; we were literally in the middle of the conversation when a guy knocked on my door handing out fliers and info. I tossed it in the trash and continued on with the break-up without much thought.
About a month later there was a tent set up in the student center to discuss this; sitting with Kurtis, my future roommate, we decided to go check it out. We scored free tickets to a Pacers game. Looking through the info given out this time, I was a little intrigued. A friend at the time was trying hard to get me to go Chi, so I was torn.
I went to a few meetings and the number of guys I knew helped to draw me in; Schrink, Kurtis, Carp, Burns, among others. The first three were some of my closest friends on campus at time so that helped seal the deal.
Meetings continued, we saw the house for the first time and i fell in love with it at once, it was AMAZING, even in its dilapidated state. we all started cleaning it up, and i got to know the other guys better.
Our colonization day arrived; I remember that day quite clearly. I had a raging hang over, so bad that Kurtis’ girlfriend had to come back to the room and more or less drag me out of bed and help me with my tie. I threw up bunches more at the house, and after our ceremony, proceeded to go right back to sleep.
There’s been some bad things that happened along the way too, but why focus on the bad? Of our original interest group, only me, kurtis, tmont, pribush, and clarence are the only ones left.
At the beginning of the ’07 school year the house officially opened and people moved in. I regretably wasn’t one of them, but I had my own reasons for that, which I will not get into here.
We got around to planning our first ever party; how exactly does a dry fraternity go about having a successful party?
Get back to me on that, haha, because I don’t know how we did it. We didn’t have a bad turn out. I was a bit aggravated at the theme, "Urban Cowboy," and doubly because i now did not drink and was expected to be an active participant.
How did our hero fare against this, this, blaspheme against nature? Well, I went with Courtney, so that made it entirely worthwhile. And note that I danced with her. Sober. As in I danced without any booze in me voluntarily. While that is quite an acheivement, let it also be noted that I liked this girl so much I would’ve dressed up in cowboy stuff for her. For those of you that know me; I would never dance sober, and I would almost under NO circumstances willingly dress myself as a cowboy. I liked her enough to do both. Let the record show that I did indeed like her a lot =P
The party was actually pretty fun, I can’t wait until our next one is planned out.
But 1540 is a number that now applies to me for the rest of my life. I am proudly the 1540th man to be initiated into Phi Delta Theta through Indiana Delta.
With initiation tomorrow and rechartering on saturday, I can safely say these days have been a long time coming and we’ve earned this. These are two, very important days in my life. And with Formal only a week after that, I know that the fraternity will lead to more interesting memories.
So what’s in a number? 1540 holds a lot of meaning for me. It isn’t just a number, its a rank earned, it has memories attached to it from the past, and many more in the future to come.
1540. Hooray for me =D
What does 1540 mean to all of you? Probably not much...
Typically, we all hate being labeled as numbers, and I have to agree, but the number 1540 is a number now used to identify me and I gladly accept it.
What is it, and why does it mean so much to me?
As of tomorrow, by 9:00 PM, it will be my bond number for Phi Delta Theta. After two long, interesting years, we’ll all finally be initiated into the fraternity; on Saturday we go through our rechartering process and we’re official. We started bonding people at 1527, and our current final number is 1547. Kurtis is just above me, haha, so I can’t hold that over his head, but I’m still very happy to have this number as mine.
These two years have been interesting, and the things dealing with the fraternity alone are amazing experiences I wouldn’t trade away.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot, all my memories involving the fraternity, and I wanted to look at them all here. Maybe this isn’t that "creative," but its important to me and dammit it’s my post for the day =P
It all first started really when I was going through a break-up with someone; we were literally in the middle of the conversation when a guy knocked on my door handing out fliers and info. I tossed it in the trash and continued on with the break-up without much thought.
About a month later there was a tent set up in the student center to discuss this; sitting with Kurtis, my future roommate, we decided to go check it out. We scored free tickets to a Pacers game. Looking through the info given out this time, I was a little intrigued. A friend at the time was trying hard to get me to go Chi, so I was torn.
I went to a few meetings and the number of guys I knew helped to draw me in; Schrink, Kurtis, Carp, Burns, among others. The first three were some of my closest friends on campus at time so that helped seal the deal.
Meetings continued, we saw the house for the first time and i fell in love with it at once, it was AMAZING, even in its dilapidated state. we all started cleaning it up, and i got to know the other guys better.
Our colonization day arrived; I remember that day quite clearly. I had a raging hang over, so bad that Kurtis’ girlfriend had to come back to the room and more or less drag me out of bed and help me with my tie. I threw up bunches more at the house, and after our ceremony, proceeded to go right back to sleep.
There’s been some bad things that happened along the way too, but why focus on the bad? Of our original interest group, only me, kurtis, tmont, pribush, and clarence are the only ones left.
At the beginning of the ’07 school year the house officially opened and people moved in. I regretably wasn’t one of them, but I had my own reasons for that, which I will not get into here.
We got around to planning our first ever party; how exactly does a dry fraternity go about having a successful party?
Get back to me on that, haha, because I don’t know how we did it. We didn’t have a bad turn out. I was a bit aggravated at the theme, "Urban Cowboy," and doubly because i now did not drink and was expected to be an active participant.
How did our hero fare against this, this, blaspheme against nature? Well, I went with Courtney, so that made it entirely worthwhile. And note that I danced with her. Sober. As in I danced without any booze in me voluntarily. While that is quite an acheivement, let it also be noted that I liked this girl so much I would’ve dressed up in cowboy stuff for her. For those of you that know me; I would never dance sober, and I would almost under NO circumstances willingly dress myself as a cowboy. I liked her enough to do both. Let the record show that I did indeed like her a lot =P
The party was actually pretty fun, I can’t wait until our next one is planned out.
But 1540 is a number that now applies to me for the rest of my life. I am proudly the 1540th man to be initiated into Phi Delta Theta through Indiana Delta.
With initiation tomorrow and rechartering on saturday, I can safely say these days have been a long time coming and we’ve earned this. These are two, very important days in my life. And with Formal only a week after that, I know that the fraternity will lead to more interesting memories.
So what’s in a number? 1540 holds a lot of meaning for me. It isn’t just a number, its a rank earned, it has memories attached to it from the past, and many more in the future to come.
1540. Hooray for me =D
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Creativity Project: Day 2
Chapter II
March 3, 2002
No one mentioned it. Well, almost no one. Her parents touched upon it from time to time, when they bothered to even speak with her at all. Even then, it was only in extremely vague references.
But she knew. No one mentioned it, but their expressions always revealed their thoughts. Accusations of murder danced just beyond their tongues. Even Brianna acted differently after that fateful day.
Maryiah wasn’t sure whether she cared or not what everyone else thought. At least, she told herself that. Her heart ached over Charlie’s death; the thought of it alone sent her into a numbing daze. She remembered the shock in his eyes during those last few seconds of life. To even recall that his death was her fault... it tore her up inside. She’d lost her everything in that moment. She wanted to join him in death sometimes.
She didn’t believe that too many people cared about his death; nobody even talked about him, unless she brought it up. Even when Maryiah was questioned about the death, when it was ruled defense or murder, they only looked at him as another rebellious lout that got what he deserved.
Her parents forced her into church, hoping to use the notion of God as a cure-all to the problems she was now haunted by; their fanaticism sickened her more than anything. Maryiah hated them, she realized. She hated her parents nearly as much as she did the concept of a God. She wanted nothing to do with any of them.
School proved itself to be a blur of classes that she barely scraped by in. Maryiah was anything but dumb, though she had no desire to prove her worth. She continued to sing and dance in the afternoon and evening hours at the only studio in town. Those activities were mildly fulfilling yet did not carry the same thrill that they used to.
Maryiah spent most of her time alone since what happened in August. Bree joined her at school and during their choir practices, tried to act like nothing was different between them, but Maryiah altogether stopped going to her house after a month. She didn’t enjoy the isolation; her parents found any number of reasons to keep her pent up inside, however, and she didn’t have nearly enough willpower to argue with them.
She spent time at her uncle’s when possible. He was one of the few that actually cared. When her fifteenth birthday passed back in January, he was the only person to even acknowledge it. Maryiah did not know why he accepted her yet it made her feel good to know that at least someone loved her.
Maryiah sat in his car at that moment, adjusting the driver’s seat and mirrors to accompany her short disposition. He’d taken it upon himself to teach her any number of things, ranging from guitar to piano, and now greatly encouraged her to begin preparation for her license.
The car started up smoothly and she backed it down the long driveway. She drove along cautiously, well under the speed limit at first, but gradually gained self-confidence at her uncle’s gentle urging. They went along the quiet country road, in towards the suburbs, without a word to one another. She didn’t ever want to return home, not when she knew her parents were waiting to exploit any one of her many faults. They made her want to die.
After another few minutes she reluctantly pulled alongside the curb in front of her home and put the car in park.
"Thanks for letting me stay for the weekend," she murmured before undoing her seatbelt. Maryiah moved the seat back, hoped for an instant he’d invite her to stay longer, but knew it to be hollow. She shrugged off his compliments about how well she drove, despite it only being her third time, and scooted over into the driver’s seat after she made herself leave.
Maryiah darted inside without a glance back, eager to get out of the chill evening air. With any luck, her parents were still at evening church, leaving her alone for a time. Unfortunately, after opening the door, she saw her poor luck.
Her mother sat on the white leather sofa facing their television, wine glass in hand. Maryiah took off her shoes at the door, slipped by her mother wordlessly, and ran up the polished wooden stairs to her room.
After changing into her pajamas, she turned up the stereo, reached for her book-bag, and started to take care of whatever homework was left for the next day at school.
March 10, 2002
A thunderous pounding on the door at once jolted Maryiah awake, trading unconscious bliss for a raging headache from he previous night’s private drinking binge.
She’d been out just long enough to pick up some cheap vodka from Bree’s brother and drank it alone in her room to chase away the the thoughts plaguing her mind as of late. She tried not to think about it, but Charlie’s death had been a full seven months ago.
The heavy knocking on her door continued, only increasing the intensity of her headache. She heard her father yelling at her to get up and be ready for church, yet she only gave an exasperated moan. Her head throbbed with every heartbeat, and would not soon relent.
After a few minutes she finally threw off her plain blue blankets and crossed her room to the cedar drawers that held all of her clothes. Specks of dust dotted it, marred the otherwise spotless wood. One of the drawers hung carelessly pulled out, revealing a few of her dresses. She grabbed one up without looking and moved to gaze at herself in the mirror on the back of her door.
The bottle from last night poked out from underneath her bed; she gave it a shove with her foot, just enough to roll the half-empty bottle into hiding.
Back at the mirror, Maryiah held the dress up to herself and decided whether or not to wear it. A simple pale green went well with her dark grey eyes, though it was beginning to grow tight around her chest as her body continued to change with age.
Another knock came at the door, loudest yet this time, and violently swung open seconds later before she had time to react; it slammed into her nose and she stumbled backwards in shock.
"I’m not telling you again, get ready for church," her father growled. Maryiah stared up at him from the edge of her bed, hands to her nose in a vain attempt to ease the pain. Blood seeped out from in between her fingers.
"You broke my nose!" She screamed at him. He stood in the doorway, emotionless, unconcerned with her bleeding.
"You shouldn’t have been standing so close to the door," her father murmured. He heaved an angry sigh. "We sure as hell can’t have you going like that, with blood running down your face! Stay home, but tonight you’re not getting out of going!" He slammed the door shut.
Maryiah bit back tears from the pain in her face and set about cleaning up the bloody mess. She gingerly felt her nose, relieved that it wasn’t in fact broken, though she was still upset with her father.
After hearing the downstairs door slam closed, Maryiah found her way into the bathroom and threw her wad of tissues away. A rug underfoot, slightly damp from someone coming out of the shower, scrunched up as she walked over it. She did not fix it.
Instead, Maryiah reached into the drawer below the sink and pulled out her razor. She began to shave away the stubble growing under her arms and along her legs.
A nick along her lower left thigh gave a thin trail of blood. It ran in tiny rivulets down her foot and puddled on the floor. Maryiah paid little attention to it; the sight intrigued her more than anything.
=========
Regretably, this all I got done of chapter II, but there’s still a bunch of days left to this project, so... i’m sure it’ll get finished.
March 3, 2002
No one mentioned it. Well, almost no one. Her parents touched upon it from time to time, when they bothered to even speak with her at all. Even then, it was only in extremely vague references.
But she knew. No one mentioned it, but their expressions always revealed their thoughts. Accusations of murder danced just beyond their tongues. Even Brianna acted differently after that fateful day.
Maryiah wasn’t sure whether she cared or not what everyone else thought. At least, she told herself that. Her heart ached over Charlie’s death; the thought of it alone sent her into a numbing daze. She remembered the shock in his eyes during those last few seconds of life. To even recall that his death was her fault... it tore her up inside. She’d lost her everything in that moment. She wanted to join him in death sometimes.
She didn’t believe that too many people cared about his death; nobody even talked about him, unless she brought it up. Even when Maryiah was questioned about the death, when it was ruled defense or murder, they only looked at him as another rebellious lout that got what he deserved.
Her parents forced her into church, hoping to use the notion of God as a cure-all to the problems she was now haunted by; their fanaticism sickened her more than anything. Maryiah hated them, she realized. She hated her parents nearly as much as she did the concept of a God. She wanted nothing to do with any of them.
School proved itself to be a blur of classes that she barely scraped by in. Maryiah was anything but dumb, though she had no desire to prove her worth. She continued to sing and dance in the afternoon and evening hours at the only studio in town. Those activities were mildly fulfilling yet did not carry the same thrill that they used to.
Maryiah spent most of her time alone since what happened in August. Bree joined her at school and during their choir practices, tried to act like nothing was different between them, but Maryiah altogether stopped going to her house after a month. She didn’t enjoy the isolation; her parents found any number of reasons to keep her pent up inside, however, and she didn’t have nearly enough willpower to argue with them.
She spent time at her uncle’s when possible. He was one of the few that actually cared. When her fifteenth birthday passed back in January, he was the only person to even acknowledge it. Maryiah did not know why he accepted her yet it made her feel good to know that at least someone loved her.
Maryiah sat in his car at that moment, adjusting the driver’s seat and mirrors to accompany her short disposition. He’d taken it upon himself to teach her any number of things, ranging from guitar to piano, and now greatly encouraged her to begin preparation for her license.
The car started up smoothly and she backed it down the long driveway. She drove along cautiously, well under the speed limit at first, but gradually gained self-confidence at her uncle’s gentle urging. They went along the quiet country road, in towards the suburbs, without a word to one another. She didn’t ever want to return home, not when she knew her parents were waiting to exploit any one of her many faults. They made her want to die.
After another few minutes she reluctantly pulled alongside the curb in front of her home and put the car in park.
"Thanks for letting me stay for the weekend," she murmured before undoing her seatbelt. Maryiah moved the seat back, hoped for an instant he’d invite her to stay longer, but knew it to be hollow. She shrugged off his compliments about how well she drove, despite it only being her third time, and scooted over into the driver’s seat after she made herself leave.
Maryiah darted inside without a glance back, eager to get out of the chill evening air. With any luck, her parents were still at evening church, leaving her alone for a time. Unfortunately, after opening the door, she saw her poor luck.
Her mother sat on the white leather sofa facing their television, wine glass in hand. Maryiah took off her shoes at the door, slipped by her mother wordlessly, and ran up the polished wooden stairs to her room.
After changing into her pajamas, she turned up the stereo, reached for her book-bag, and started to take care of whatever homework was left for the next day at school.
March 10, 2002
A thunderous pounding on the door at once jolted Maryiah awake, trading unconscious bliss for a raging headache from he previous night’s private drinking binge.
She’d been out just long enough to pick up some cheap vodka from Bree’s brother and drank it alone in her room to chase away the the thoughts plaguing her mind as of late. She tried not to think about it, but Charlie’s death had been a full seven months ago.
The heavy knocking on her door continued, only increasing the intensity of her headache. She heard her father yelling at her to get up and be ready for church, yet she only gave an exasperated moan. Her head throbbed with every heartbeat, and would not soon relent.
After a few minutes she finally threw off her plain blue blankets and crossed her room to the cedar drawers that held all of her clothes. Specks of dust dotted it, marred the otherwise spotless wood. One of the drawers hung carelessly pulled out, revealing a few of her dresses. She grabbed one up without looking and moved to gaze at herself in the mirror on the back of her door.
The bottle from last night poked out from underneath her bed; she gave it a shove with her foot, just enough to roll the half-empty bottle into hiding.
Back at the mirror, Maryiah held the dress up to herself and decided whether or not to wear it. A simple pale green went well with her dark grey eyes, though it was beginning to grow tight around her chest as her body continued to change with age.
Another knock came at the door, loudest yet this time, and violently swung open seconds later before she had time to react; it slammed into her nose and she stumbled backwards in shock.
"I’m not telling you again, get ready for church," her father growled. Maryiah stared up at him from the edge of her bed, hands to her nose in a vain attempt to ease the pain. Blood seeped out from in between her fingers.
"You broke my nose!" She screamed at him. He stood in the doorway, emotionless, unconcerned with her bleeding.
"You shouldn’t have been standing so close to the door," her father murmured. He heaved an angry sigh. "We sure as hell can’t have you going like that, with blood running down your face! Stay home, but tonight you’re not getting out of going!" He slammed the door shut.
Maryiah bit back tears from the pain in her face and set about cleaning up the bloody mess. She gingerly felt her nose, relieved that it wasn’t in fact broken, though she was still upset with her father.
After hearing the downstairs door slam closed, Maryiah found her way into the bathroom and threw her wad of tissues away. A rug underfoot, slightly damp from someone coming out of the shower, scrunched up as she walked over it. She did not fix it.
Instead, Maryiah reached into the drawer below the sink and pulled out her razor. She began to shave away the stubble growing under her arms and along her legs.
A nick along her lower left thigh gave a thin trail of blood. It ran in tiny rivulets down her foot and puddled on the floor. Maryiah paid little attention to it; the sight intrigued her more than anything.
=========
Regretably, this all I got done of chapter II, but there’s still a bunch of days left to this project, so... i’m sure it’ll get finished.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Creativity Project: Day 1
April 1, 2008
Sitting in the center
of the inside, looking in
no one sees
the haunting sins,
his cradle rocks,
the infant cries
oh hear the answer to their crimes
the prayer it comes but still everyone tries,
the dreaming comes
it costs the soul,
she’s there among the others,
dark eyes take you in
At journey’s end,
the saint he cries
the anguish
of his Lord,
The patrons call,
it wakes them all,
pulls back from raging dark,
he grabs the gleaming knife
He fights the dove
her eyes go cold,
the blade it runs
with blood.
Free at last
but no hope clings,
the thought comes quick
to mind
His world ends
but life it thrives
there can be no
more last regrets.
===========
So there’s my first entry into this project.*
A cookie to whoever figures out the entire meaning of it. There’s enough in there to hint at everything. Post a guess if you want. Otherwise, stay tuned.....
*Note that I will be doing one piece per day, but may not be able to post it that same day due to internet / schedule conflicts... and if this is the case I’ll post it the next day along with that day’s post.
Sitting in the center
of the inside, looking in
no one sees
the haunting sins,
his cradle rocks,
the infant cries
oh hear the answer to their crimes
the prayer it comes but still everyone tries,
the dreaming comes
it costs the soul,
she’s there among the others,
dark eyes take you in
At journey’s end,
the saint he cries
the anguish
of his Lord,
The patrons call,
it wakes them all,
pulls back from raging dark,
he grabs the gleaming knife
He fights the dove
her eyes go cold,
the blade it runs
with blood.
Free at last
but no hope clings,
the thought comes quick
to mind
His world ends
but life it thrives
there can be no
more last regrets.
===========
So there’s my first entry into this project.*
A cookie to whoever figures out the entire meaning of it. There’s enough in there to hint at everything. Post a guess if you want. Otherwise, stay tuned.....
*Note that I will be doing one piece per day, but may not be able to post it that same day due to internet / schedule conflicts... and if this is the case I’ll post it the next day along with that day’s post.
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