Can We Just Pretend This Weekend Never Happened?

When I fail, I really go all out.

We had the Friday night incident, where I got rejected by someone I really care about. I know I didn't drink anymore after that but I was a really depressed drunk after that. And I suppose that paved the way for Saturday....

I guess some people already know. I start off drinking with Lindsay, we go to KDR's halloween party, I was well enough off to be a terribly drunk dancing Jesus that tried to convert a guy dressed up as a muslim. Good stuff. I'd been pretty depressed all throughout the day but that was to be expected, whatever. I knew so many people over there, the party itself was a pretty good time I suppose. I don't know how I got drunker as time passed seeing as how I stopped drinking before going to the party but whatever, it happened.

One of my brothers walked me back to my room after a time (I don't remember the walk back at all. I had to ask around to figure out how I got back). I knock on Carpenter's door and hang out with him for a while. I remember this (my memory comes and goes throughout the night I suppose).

But yeah, I'm beyond wasted. I apparently forget where I'm at and whatnot, he tries his best to take care of me. Everything from this point is really heresay, pieced together from memory fragments or other people.

I'm ranging anywhere from fine to "utterly incoherent," constantly saying that I dont know where I was, that I just wanted to go home, etc... I was pretty depressed again I suppose.

And then I go and do the dumbest thing of all; drunkenly call the girl that rejected me. Let's all wince together now, as one *winces*

I do not remember calling her at all. I do not remember talking to her or what I said. Maybe it's for the best I can't remember what I said.

So things all seem pretty bad now, don't they? Just wait, it gets better.

By this point I'm apparently so depressed and unaware of what's going on that security is called to make sure I'm ok; I puke on Jason's floor. They ask me some questions (ah, memory is back now...) like my name, what the date is, where I'm at, etc. My prize for my answers is a ride to the hospital.

I didn't think we were there that long, but Carp said when we left it was getting light out. I throw up in his truck too I guess.

So this has been the worst weekend I've had in a while;
1.) rejected by someone
2.) spent a lot of time depressed and then
3.) drunkenly depressed to the point where I can't remember much
4.) got so drunk that I had to go to the hospital

which leads us to something pretty bad too..... the hospital bill. which will be sent to my parents. which will then politely inform them of their failure of a son's drinking problem. I know I need to tell them before a bill randomly pops up but damn. That is not a conversation I want to have.

I'm so numb right now. I feel slightly depressed but I know when this numbness wears off its going to be an emotional hurricane. I'm not going to drink anymore. Ever. But it's a little too late for that. I just wish so much that nothing this weekend happened. I didn't drink myself to death but you can be damn sure my parents are going to kill me when they find out. I don't know what I'm going to do but something's gonna snap.

I'm tired of the lonliness, I'm tired of the drinking binges, I'm tired of...well...me. What can I do to change?

"Any Other World" By Mika

In any other world
You could tell the difference
And let it all unfurl
Into broken remenance

Smile like you mean it
And let youreself let go

Cos its all in the hands
Of a bitter bitter of man

Say goodbye to the world
You thought you lived in
Take a bow
Play the part
Of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world
You thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

I try to live alone
But lonely is so lonely
So human as I am
I had to give up my defences

So I smile and try to mean it
To make myself let go

Cos it's all in the hands
Of a bitter bitter man

Say goodbye to the world
You thought you lived in
Take a bow
Play the part
Of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world
You thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

Cos it's all in the hands
Of a bitter bitter man

Say goodbye to world
You thought you lived in
Take a bow
Play the part
Of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world
You thought you lived in
Say goodbye to the world
You thought you lived in
Say goodbye to the world
You thought you lived in
Say goodbye to the world
You thought you lived in
Say goodbye to the world
You thought you lived in

To the world you thought you lived in

In any other world
you could tell the difference