It Could’ve Been...

...a special day. Dad came up to visit me since I've been going through some trouble as of late. He brought up a few things from home to give me, like food and gifts that my aunt left me. Pause here for a funny story, I suppose. So one of the things my aunt gave me was cocoa and two mugs; cool. They're nascar mugs. That's like... I don't know, a dick slap to the face, because anyone that's spent even a little amount of time to me knows I despise redneck things, especially nascar. I just thought that was funny that she put so little thought into something.

Anyhoo though. Dad visits and we go out to eat. The whole meal I'm struggling to not burst into tears. I felt so down towards the end I just had to get up, lock myself in a bathroom stall, and I stood there, crying my eyes out. The rest of the time was a large struggle. Since I've been back on campus and alone, I find myself bursting into tears at random times and it pisses me off, its uncontrollable and I don't even know why I'm doing it.

But yeah. Today is also the 20th. And it doesn't fucking matter. *bitter*

I'm so fucking tired of the circular argument that will never go away. I'm over it, we both think we're right. I get the fucking picture. Then why can't I let go? Because I'm going to swear up and down that I'm right until the very last second I'm proven wrong. And even, who knows.

I want us to be friends too, very much so in fact, but I'm still going to hold on to that "hope" for something more. I did it once and with enough effort I'll do it again. And a million times more if need be, I'll say the lame and cheesy thing, but you stole a part of my heart and will always have it.

We can't seem to stop bickering. Yeah, I am upset with you. And no, it isn't because you "fucked me over." You know why I'm really upset?

I won't even stick to my guns and say "it's because you're wrong." I'm so upset, I'm so hurt and frustrated with you, because you keep saying you didn't feel anything for me. And that, my friend, is a cut that penetrates straight to my heart. And you constantly say it, and it hurts. A lot.

And you'll keep arguing that you really didn't feel anything, and that's your choice. But what happened to "Speechless" or "I Wanna Be The One" ? What happened to them? What happened to when you had 'idolized' ?

But the biggest thing of all, and what makes me KNOW you're wrong about not feeling anything... what about when we shared a moment, a kiss, any little thing, and you looked into my eyes? That look, the emotionconveyed in it... that can't be faked. I know you felt something, know it, from that look. So keep on hurting me, telling me you didn't feel anything, and keep on lying to yourself. Just because it failed doesn't mean you have to deny it all in your head. Stop saying you just "wanted" to feel something or that you "Just wanted to feel something for someone" and I was the one there. It hurts and deep down, really deep down, we both know you felt something.

Bluh. I wrote a short story last night, I plan on posting it in Larry's blog here in a little while, you should all check it out if you want. Courtney, don't read it. Just. Don't. I don't want to worry you any more than you already do. I'm sorry I write things and make you feel bad, but I'm gonna take a stand right here; I don't want to hurt you, but I really don't want to hurt myself. And when it comes down to it... I need to choose myself here. Expression is one of my few ways of dealing with things.

It could've been a special day today. A month, a day with my dad... but it wasn't. It hurts so bad.

"Happy Ending" By Mika

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending

This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together
I wake up in the morning,
Stumble on my life,
Can't get no love without sacrifice,
If anything should happen,
I guess I'd wish you well,
Mmm a little bit of heaven,
But a little bit of hell.

This is the hardest story,
that I've ever told,
No hope, no love, no glory,
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wastin',
And I'm wastin' everyday

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending

This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together

Two O'clock in the morning,
Something's on my mind,
Can't get no rest,
Keep walking around,
If I pretend that nothing ever went wrong,
I can get to my sleep I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story,
that I have ever told,
No hope, or love, or glory,
Happy endings gone forever more,
I feel as if I'm wastin',
And I'm wastin' everyday

Oh I feel as if I'm wastin',
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending

This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together

A little bit of love

Little bit of love (repeated)

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending

This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
Both not together
This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending

This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending