Then And Now: The In Between

I just want to take some time and think back to how I’ve gotten here. It feels like things have gone by in a flash.

So we met, and I’ve already discussed how weird that was. There was certainly a connection right off the bat. We hung out a couple of times that week; i’m not great with initial impressions, but she dealt with my drunk and apparently naked ass singing “here comes your man” on rockband. I have little recollection of this at all; it wasn’t a great night for me.

She burned me music early on; she has AMAZING taste in music, I swear to God. Neutral Milk Hotel is so great (one of my favorite indie bands now, check out “in the aeroplane over the sea”) and City and Colour....omg. musical boner.

Later I asked her if she’d go to the Phi Delt party. After she initially declined (she said that she wasn’t a part of the “college scene”), I managed to convince her. Though earlier she’d met a couple of my friends (Elizabeth & co), this was really the first big introduction to most everyone. It was the first time I saw Courtney in a while too. I go topshelf and buy a fifth of Belvedere in memory of the Nascar mug; seven of us gather together to do a 21 shot salute to the Nascar mug. We all drink...heavily. Eventually we make it to waffle house with the aid of a sober driver (thank god for byers), then i pass out in my bed.

Waking up the next morning, I freak out a little bit. I open my eyes and the first thing I see is Haley staring at me. I don’t remember her falling asleep next to me.

“So...uh.... did we...?” I ask.

Her eyes widen. “I’ve known you a week, I’m not a fucking whore!”

I dig myself outta that hole, after a little while. I remember going to lunch with friends and getting their opinions; everyone’s initial reactions were positive. her and courtney hit it off pretty well as friends, which is a little weird for me, but it’s still nice that my friends have taken to her so quickly.

A lot of my memory has been lost in a haze of ambien, booze, and stress, but she was right there with me through the first two. O.o One night we started drinking at Applebees, cheap drinks with our meal; quickly devolved into what I’ll affectionately refer to as the “my life sucks more” drinking game. We moved back to campus before getting too drunk, but it didn’t stop, and by the end of the night we were both puking. We learned the hard-way that no one really wins that game >.< And I NEVER thought I’d have a girl holding my hair back. But I learned a lot about her and revealed more about myself than I ever intended to.

But we both drank....and often. I remained pretty distant when sober; she would kiss me and in the beginning I just couldn’t bring myself to do it back. She took notice to this pretty quickly. When I was drinking, I was fine. I wouldn’t be distant, I could touch, I could feel the emotions that i should’ve been feeling. I think that in part, maybe this is why we drank so often.

The drinking did die down though, some at least. We continued to hang out and whatnot; I remember one night I was at work after hours and didn’t feel that great, so she came in, brought me food, kept me company. She’s come to spend time with me at work several more times since then. I don’t know what it is, but it’s just really nice to have her there with me in an otherwise empty building...especially when I don’t do much after close.

So Thanksgiving break came; I took her home with me for a couple of days. I was really nervous about this; usually i prep people for scott. it slipped my mind >.< i did give her the warning about my parents though, thank god.

but the warnings and stuff didn’t really matter either. my parents liked her right away. my friends back home liked her. Scott did his best to freak her out, and she returned it right back to him; idk that i’ve ever seen him so embarrassed. So everyone that’s met her thus far, from my closest friends to people i see only once in awhile, took an immediate liking to her. I’ve asked a couple of my closer friends flat out why they liked her when we were alone, and they all said something along the lines of “there’s just something about her.”

And that really sums up it up, because I can’t think of anything better to say about why we get along so great. Taste in music and film, humor, just the ability to talk to her...Idk what it is about her, but being with her puts me at ease like few others have.

We had more times hanging out at work after hours; she set me up for the best rickroll ever. The PA system at work is a lot like a place she used to work at, so she took my iPod to one of the phones....and played “never gonna give you up” over every speaker in the building. This was in direct retaliation from a few nights ago when we’re laying there and I whispered it.

“Did you just rickroll me?! Fucking cock!” She playfully slaps my chest then pokes me in the bellybutton really fucking hard >.<

But anyways, we’ve both been going through a lot lately. I’ve been stressed and struggling with depression, and this has been weighing on me heavily. She lost her dad a while ago, someone extremely close to her about a year ago, and her mom’s health isn’t so hot either. So we’ve both had our reasons for turning to the bottle and enabling each other. Derp.

Moving on to Kris’ wedding though. Oh God. The night before the bachelor party was epic. We had the rehearsal on Friday night, and the actual wedding on Saturday. Rather than either go back and pick her up, or have her drive down her, I just took her home with me again. Which posed an initial problem for the impromptu bachelor party. After the rehearsal, me, Haley, scott, jon, kris, and katy go to walmart and we’re walking around for a bit. kris leans in to me and scott.

“Get me drunk.” Well, I had some plans to do that, but it was good to know this was gonna turn into an official event. this of course left that one momentary awkward silence as four guys planned on getting shitfaced at a bachelor party.....with one girl. i don’t wanna ditch her and have no intentions of doing that; luckily kris was more than fine with her being there.

So as it was, kris and jon go to rent a movie and get food, and we have to go back to my house so I can grab my stash of vodka. We get back to kris’ apartment before he does... so we do what anyone else would do; break in and make ourselves at home.

the night starts off slow enough. we start watching “public enemies” but that soon becomes background noise as the booze starts flowing freely. and flow it did. oh god, we were so wasted so quick... i saved some of the quotes in my phone drafts, and i bet people were glad when my phone died because i couldn’t save anymore. but it started with “IT WAS LIKE HAVING SEX WITH COTTAGE CHEESE!”

and followed with

“We just pinky promised to sweet ass titties,”

“THAT PISS WAS DIGITAL!”

“season 1 or 2?” “both!” and then jon acts like he’s gonna put both discs into the xbox...

“It’s ok you’re here, you’re cool, you act like a guy, you have a penis for tonight!” *I walk back into the room* “AND YOU’RE A FAGGOT! steve’s a faggot because she has a dick tonight!”

All in all, it was a crazy night. Scott and I wrestled after he found out some troubling news;

(VID HERE)

I’m pretty sure we wrestled again later and he passed out on top of me, because I remember me punching him in the ass a good few times before kris rolled him off me.

The wedding came and went without much consequence. No one really danced; most of the time we were off in the corner playing with scott’s hack. Eventually we all part ways, her and I go back home.

Laying there watching a movie, she presses up closer to me. I’m unresponsive to touch. Completely, utterly dead to it.

“Hold me,” she whispers.

I don’t, and can’t bring myself to.

“Why can’t you just do this?”

“I don’t know what you fucking want from me!” I snap. She cries. I wish she would’ve slapped me, yelled back, anything else. I apologize right way, do my best to hold her and make her feel cared for.

I have a hard time expressing anything with her; it’s been like that since the beginning. Here lately it’s been easier though; things are starting to crack through my numbness. Maybe. Kinda.

One night last week I just went out to her place, it was so peaceful feeling to just lay there as she slept. I don’t know what it is, it just felt relaxing.

Then Friday was great too. I had to go into work so I stayed behind, but that night we went to hang out with Tess and a couple of other friends; she is one of the last “big” opinions to gain on haley. After some slight inebriation on their part, we all start to watch bad movies; this was a fucking awesome night.

After we finish howard the duck, one of my friends runs through his movie collection and comes to “Teeth” and starts talking about it.

“Yeah, it’s about this girl that has teeth in her vagina, it’s fucked up!”

“I’ve got a nice one of those! No teeth! That’s fucking creepy!” She immediately shouts into my ear.

We hang out a little while longer and then drive back to campus. Before I leave Tess leans in to talk to me. “She’s good. Don’t fuck this up.” This weekend has been peaceful too, and there’s some big plans on the horizon. I can’t wait. Hopefully soon I’ll break through this numbness, because she deserves so much more than what I’m currently giving her. She treats me like a person. She actually cares, and this is a rare thing for me to feel. I just.. I don’t know what to do here, exactly. I'm still struggling with this numbness a lot, but I don't want to lose her, because she's been better to me than anyone else ever has before.